Curvaceous Nonsense

It's all relative ...

2011-03-31T16:54:00.001-04:00

You can feel that someone is the most amazing person in the world, but if they don’t feel it, it won’t matter.

You can be so in-love with someone, but if they can’t understand why, then it just won’t matter…

How do you go about convincing someone that their very soul is coursing through your veins?

How do you get their already discouraged heart to understand that its future will be nothing like its past?

I could take the easy way out and claim, “Oh, in due time…”
But it’s not the length of time it will take that worries me, it’s the space in-between.

No one asks for a swift recovery (things take time)
But I am asking for the willingness to prove every doubt in your head wrong.

Please note; these questions are rhetorical, and I expect no answer.

I just hope the very thought resonates within you enough to believe me.

((Drops Mic))

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Oh, time...

2011-01-13T23:10:00.000-05:00

tick tock, tick tock.

I'm not much of a fan of time.

"in due time"

everything seems to happen within "due time."

But I don't like it. It's as if you're being mocked.

You know damn well it won't happen, but you say to yourself,

"All in due time, Ashley."

and for some magically delicious reason, that makes it all better.

Well, fuck you very much for not believing a damn word of it.

Now kids, I am not pessimistic. In fact, I'm more positive now than I have ever been

(fuckin ray of sunshine over here!)

but that whole, dissapointment is a product of expectation thing...that right there, gets to me.

Because expectations lead to hope, hope leads to happines, and well, we all wanna be happy, right?

And not that circumstantial happiness bullshit, that changing your actions and keeping that happiness constant, happiness!

but expect not!

For disappointment will ream it's ugly head right up your ugly ass.

Cynisism never looked good on me.

*throws mic*

Just to open up my hands and find out that they're empty...

2011-01-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

I've been secretly falling apart.

Inside just doesn't seem right.

I'm afraid that every feeling I'm feeling is wrong.

I've even tried to stop it. Put people in the way to block it.

Rid myself of it.

Ya know, sometimes the last thing you want comes in first.

and how do you handle that?

Just let it be?

But you know me, I can't simply do that.

I've let time run it's course...I've let everything just happen...

and here i am,

doubting every last thing I've waited for.

*mic check...*

Concentration lacking...

2011-01-12T22:47:00.000-05:00

My thoughts are running to and fro around every little detail of everything.

Things that shouldn't be there, things that should, and things that I know will eventually come to play.

If I don't have closure to a situation, no matter how minor, I will dwell on it. I will fester in it. I will contemplate it, I will hate it, I will miss it, then eventually, I will force myself to "forget" it.

Ever notice when you naturally forget something, you just forget it?
And when you remember it you may say something like, "oh wow, i can't believe i forgot that!"
But when you force yourself to forget something, you never really forget it.

It sits there.

It's quite taunting, actually.

But it just won't leave.

Comes back to that whole closure thing that I guess I need in order to let go.

It's strange,

and perfectly annoying.

I just can't concentrate.

Ever see something that you know wasn't intended for you to see?

it plays over and over in my head.

and I just want to forget it... But I can't.
and i'm sure i'll always remember it.
I just have that type of memory....

There's no more of a reason to continue with this...

*drops mic*

a little bit more, a little bit less...

2010-12-27T00:20:00.000-05:00

I've missed writing.
Perhaps because I talk too much.

I frequently write about all the things no one wants to hear about, or all the things i feel the need to speak about. I'm no professional, and I care not about what people think of what i write or how i write, but i must be writing publicly for a reason, right?

wrong.

I'm bored.

Sue me.

I have things, single things, that run through my head all the time. Sometimes together, most times not. It really is just one big mess of a thing... My mind roams at every given opportunity, it's a wonder how i end up being such a good listener.

I've been contimplating this whole "single for two years" bullshit.
I've sat back for two years figuring myself out and figuring everyone else out, and i have found that;

a) most women are crazy (shocking, i know)

b) most good men try to deal but ultimately can't.

oh, and

c) no two people are the same!

I've come across a lot of men who secretly blame what their ex's have done to them on every woman they come across, but the very fine difference between us and them? We voice it because we can't just shut up, and men hide it.. shit seeps out slowly as you start to get to know them, and can/will ultimately ruin a potentially good thing.

Let me just say, it is NOT the next ones job to convince you otherwise.
Take the time to figure that shit out on your own.
Don't waste someone's time knowing damn well all you're looking for is a simple simalarity so you can say,

"See, all of you are the same."

Um, no. Your lonely ass needs to take a step back from dating and get a damn grip.

Annnnywho, It has taken my 2 years to figure all that out and actually want to be in an eventual relationship and love again and yada, yada, yada.

It also took me this long to find out what makes me "crazy"
(since apparently all women are some form of crazy),
and I don't feel it makes me crazy seeing as the definition of crazy is, well, crazy..

I have this need for attention (O_o)

Something like an attention whore, only I don't crave it from ANY guy, i crave it from the man i happen to be interested in/dating.

I guess this makes me crazy because when i don't get it i get all huffy.. but huffy isn't crazy.
And really, it only bothers me internally, it never shows on the outside.
And I'm usually over it within seconds of it initially bothering me.

Ahh well, that tid bit of information is pretty much why being single has been my thing.

Everything is easier this way.

One thing though, once you get a taste of that whole "liking/crushing" thing, it makes everything 10x's harder to be so nonchalant about.

The Shower Wept With Me.

2010-05-19T21:04:00.001-04:00

Something I feel is optional

Happened

Out of nowhere

I wept.

I sat there warm

wet

Engulfed by steam

and wept

In the shower.

With my knees pulled tightly to my chest

And the water running down my face

And wept.

I don’t know why it happened

But it did.

And why I’m writing about it

Baffles my mind.

But it happened

For 5 minutes

And it made me feel weak.

Real weak.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this

I’m not even sure what to say

But I’m going to go to bed

to wish this all away.

*drops mic*

I Think I'm Just A little bit. . .

2010-05-12T21:51:00.000-04:00

Undoubtedly, I’m sure you know I have a lot to say.

About this and that, that and this
The list goes on and on…

I’ve been quite tired though- strung out
Crack does bad things to you
And by crack, I mean addiction and by addiction, I mean life.
Addicted or not- high or low- life is a bitch to be reckoned with.
I’m not feeling like much of anything
Call this a “depressed” blog if you will

But I’m also not feeling like nothing (see what I did there)

I’m tired, did I mention that?

Feeling a bit inadequate as it seems, and I don’t know why.

My inability to forget shit that has happened

And my blatant disregard for my own feelings when I do get them isn’t healthy.

But I won’t let go.

Of life, I just won’t.

And please, don’t read between the lines, you people were never good at that.

Yet, I was never good at writing between them,

hiding within them,

sentences of course,

Lines of words, thoughts, dreams, things..silly things.. these things.

Momentarily, I’m unaware of what’s going on.

“Hands down, I’m too proud for love.”

Subliminally Speaking...

2010-04-16T16:58:00.000-04:00

Much more could go "wrong", I suppose.

I stay away from these little types of things
that I know will turn into these big types of things
that neither you, or I, are prepared to deal with.

As indirect as this is,

I'm speaking directly to "you".

Simple enough for me to remain heartless and act as if, I couldn't care less.
but this is all so complicated.
Me. Moi.
I can just be, "oh so damn complicated"

wouldn't you agree?

no, you wouldn't, because you don't know me like that.

I shy away from things, to save myself.

To save myself the aggravation of the disappointment that i'm too afraid to feel again, but will only feel because I allowed myself to expect things.

some things, little things.

This is one big mess of a thing.

I don't know what i'm getting at, and im not sure what i'm admitting to.

But something, some little big thing is there.. here...in me...

yet, I can't put a name to it. a word to it. because one word would'nt explain all of what is encompassed within me.

iFeel...

2010-03-30T16:08:00.000-04:00

This day is going to drag,

like the wind across my face.

This morning was cold

my heart

felt cold

the wind didn't help

and I'm glad it did not.

Chills raced down my spine

and before I took my first step outside

I felt a rush of anger

subsided

by a rush of fear

I dont know where this is coming from.

but it isn't nice.

nothing is nice anymore.

except when vacant

and filled with thoughts of he.

Wear It Well.

2010-03-30T02:09:00.000-04:00

~~i feel like slaying you.~~

you flourished.

quite simply,

you flourished.

you made it your own

jaded as it was

and kept it close

~~To rid me of this.~~

fall. away. from. me

sick as i am

i don't like these things

lovely as they are.

it's yours this time.

you made it that way

claim away all the beautiful things

a lovely as they are

i just don't like these things.

~~to get this out of my head~~

you're not one to brag

then again,

you're not one to know the difference between

beauty

and beast.

preconceived notions are unbareably wrong

when it comes to you

because you are magnificent

in the sadest sense of the word

hard to see through

all the beautful things

you cover up with

claim it,

it's yours,

you destroyed it that way.

Now everyone can see,

how lovely you never were

~~to forgive you of this~~

I need "Solutions..." to abide by.

2010-03-30T01:35:00.000-04:00

I wanna know

how far you'll go

with me

for me

inside..wont last

I want to feel

you everyday...

I shake my head in smoke

disbelief

a feverish way of doing things

I need solutions

maybe answers

a cause for hope

I'm at a point

this point

at the best times

when he make me see God

that I know

this wont last

I need solutions.

A way to figure out

hope.

(3/5/10 3:53pm)

Overwhelming Realization

2010-03-29T16:26:00.001-04:00

Fact #1:
I love hard.

Fact #2:
Falling out of love hurt more than I ever imagined.

Fact #3:
Im afraid to fall back in love bc I never want to feel what I felt during Fact #2 again.

But It's inevitable that I will, right?

I'm not the "look forward to it" type.

I'm a realist.

I know what It's going to take for me fall completely like that again.

And the way I've cut myself off emotionally from a lot of things,

I just don't see it happening again.

But then again,

who's to say I wont find a man that loves just as hard as I and will actually Love me

...and only me.

So in a way, I can't speak on never being in-love again.

But I don't look forward to it.

I don't pray on it.

I don't even think about it

(as I am now)

and the times I do think about it

I write it away

because there's nothing worse than being so consumed for so long

and then nothing.

That quickly, nothing.

It's the nothing that's overwhelming at this point.

It's the realizartion of that overwhelming nothingness that has me sitting here

contimplating

thinking

about the next man I may fall in-love with

and preparing for the day it all goes away.

*drops mic*

Every time. . .

2010-03-15T15:19:00.000-04:00

I'm a talker.

Not a dreamy one.

i consist of many things

soulful things

a variety of things

put together properly

yet sometimes unbound in the worst ways..

I'm vacant with this.

let me begin by saying, oops..

I frequently forget about you.

I write to the "masses" in hopes of some sort of understandment

and then I forget about you.

how lovely, right?

Forgive me.

I haven't written as much as normal lately.

Everything is so pent up.

Sexually, emotionally, physically...

I'm just so damn pent up.

Sexually, I probably shouldn't be but I am.

Emotionally...this isn't the time and place.

and physically, I'm just exhausted.

So from now on, I need to write everyday so this shit doesn't get out of hand like it clearly is.

I have come to the conclusion, that holding on is much harder than it seems.

Letting go is supposed to be the hard part, not holding on.

But I'll sit here and wait...untill I wish it all away.

>drops mic<

In The End...

2010-02-28T23:19:00.001-05:00

I'm not what you think i am.

I'm nothing of what you want me to be.

And i'll never be anything you dreamed of.

But I guarantee my heart is something you wouldn't be able to let go of.

but it's not for sale.

I make the mistake of admitting things when I shouldn't.

It's like, I tell myself I'm going to put myself and my "feelings" first but once I do,

I don't like the feeling.

Or the reaction.

So..I'm going to continue to hold it in until someone comes around worthy enough to open up to.

and i wonder..

when i look at you..

((shrugs))

I'm not looking for anything although I do realize my words may describe things a bit differently.

Either way, they're just words.

Words that I ramble on with and happen to put together in a fucked up way.

Regardless...

I find myself telling a story.

a simple one,

a true one.

A story I can never seem to finish.

I use to find myself obsessed with the need to know what's going to happen next,

or where something was going.

I now find myself just letting go.

letting shit happen..

I've acually had my feelings hurt more this way because I'm a little less cautious,

but if I spend my life trying to figure everything out before it happens, I'll miss it.

Life.

So here I am, rambling on.

Not telling a tale, but focusing on a tale that needs to be told.

I'll keep quiet though,

and one day I'll find someone worth opening up to.

till then,

(iWrite)

>drops mic<

Interestingly enough...

2010-02-24T20:05:00.000-05:00

I can't sit here an pretend I don't think about you much more than i know i should.

I can't sit here an act as if there isnt something particulary special about your presence that i can't cope with..

it's quite succulent actuallly.

I feel this happening and i think im awfully foolish but at the same time, shit happens. I just have to learn how to roll with the punches.

I feel like i lied to someone a few months back... but i guess it wasnt a lie, just a misguided feeling. If he's reading this, he knows what i speak of.

I'm not foolish, just a bit..misguided at times. Which sometimes brings me on an emotional rollercoaster ride that i frequently feel the need to vomit from just to rid myself of such emotions. throw it all up and walk away.

Ive realized my want for something turned into a misunderstood need and in the end all i could do was question wether or not i can put the want away and truly feel..without wanting it.

((if that makes sense))

So i stopped wanting and emotionally i felt amazing. I don't want to fall in-love, i dont want a boyfriend, i dont want to cuddle, i dont want to look for it.. I'll let it find me.

the worst part of all this and point of this blog;

its only when you want nothing, that someone comes around and make you feel like you need the world.

Feel...

When it comes this natural, it's scary. because i never naturally felt like im blindly walking into someone (without wanting to do so).

I didn't want this to happen, but i feel it happening...

but there's something so addicting about the natural feeling of this.

(drops mic)

Featured Fuckery of The Week

2010-01-29T16:21:00.000-05:00

Brought to you by @HoodGeeKn

"Man listen im GanGsta..
Everyone who knows me knows ima G when it comes down to it.. But man listen i got herbed by a group of dirty mice chasing toddlers last nite while shopping for my cheese cake ingredients..

So peep...

(got most of the things i needed, now im looking for a hand mixer)

im in the aisle with the electric hand mixers in it, I see a bunch of lil kids at the end of the aisle posted up hardbody like this was there territory.. So i think in my head where the hell are there parents.. Im like w/e.. I squat down to take a look at the mixers cuz they was on the bottom shelf...And from the corner of my eye I see these lil niccas walkin my way.. Im like this world now-a-day is a no bueno.. So these niccas stopped right on the side of me.. I look from the corner of my eye like

WTF....

I look straight in this nicca eye..

(remember im squating so we the same height)

so im looking shorty dead in his eyes for like 15 sec..

this nicca never blinked and yes, I punked out and looked at his shirt..

I stood up and he was like

"gimme 5"

.Im like "No!"

He say "gimme 5"

.. Im like "lil nicca no"

Then from the back of the group, they part like the Red Sea..

And theres a lil girl walkin thru the crowd

(the godfather) ..

she gets to the front and say..

"why u dont wanna give him 5?"

"Cuz i dont want to.. wheres yall parents at?"

.. the lil nicca say..

"gimme 5"

.. im like

"Fuk outta here nicca.. u aint getting nothing.. it looks like u got the swine flu.. i aint touchin u.."

the girl is like

"Whats the swine flu?"

"I dont know ask him he got it..."

So I turn around and walk away.. these niccas start follow me.. I speed up.. these nicca start joggin.. I started to jog.. they started to run... im like OH Shit...Ii started to jog faster up and down aisles.. so I run to the comforter section.. it was this HUGE 5 piece comforter set.. so im like aight i could slow these niccas down... little did i know these niccas was on my ass.. so i turn the corner and threw the comforter down rite behind me... but the kid was so close it KNOCKED THE ShIT OUTTA HIM!!.. this niccca flew mad hard against the aisle... i turned around and started to laugh..

he then let out this HUGE ROAR

"UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
.. im like uh oh.. gotta go.. rite b4 i go to turn around..
the lil girl(the godfather) trips over the comforter..
and then another kid trip over the first kids leg...
OMG.. i was CRYIN!!!.. then i ran downstairs to check out. hopin they didnt find me..

LMAO.. note while i was running i had a gallon of milk, cream cheese, vanila and almond extract, graham crakers and a mixer... and didnt drop anything!!

P.S... they was no older than 7 LMAO"

*passes mic*

Excuse me, but is that Bitchassness I smell?

2010-01-07T22:46:00.000-05:00

Well good riddence, you stink.

I'm pretty much sick and tired of people.

I think so many of these people nowadays are experiencing a seriouss fucking malfunction.

Like, deadass, get your shit together.

Stop ass kissing every five seconds just because you want to be apart of something that you feel may or may NOT happen (i place my bets on NOT happening).

REALIZE when people don't like you and when they pretend they actually do.

Please, OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES!

This is not like me.

But people, you're being so damn naieve, it's driving me insane!

I believe Twitter is going to be the downfall of a lot of things and a lot of people.

One day, someone like me is going to have enough of all the BITCHASSNESS on her timeline and flip the fucking light fantastic!

and let me tell you, i have NO problem if no one likes me, cos honestly, ask yourself this

"who the am i?"

the answer,

NO ONE.

Mama does NOT, i repeat, DOES NOT give a flying fuck wether you like her, what she says, how she feels, what she does or how she expresses it.

My high yellow, hot temepered, Lebanese and African American ass COULDN'T care less.

That's right, COULDN'T for all ya'll bitches that didnt know the proper way to say it.

If you feel I'm not being classy, or intelligent... BLOW ME.

eat shit and bark at the moon u senseless pieces of shit.

*THROWS mic*

..and she feels a little something like this...

2009-12-29T21:07:00.003-05:00

Of course it comes down to this;

"Girl, relaaaaax."

I rush this because I never thought I would feel this (again)

Shit, I'm not ever sure I've ever truly felt this before.

I'm back to being confused again. . .
I was thoroughly sure of myself and then
*POOF*
it all disappeared and now I don't know which way is up (or down).
I told myself that it would never come to this, and alas, it has.
I'm pretty fed up with myself as of right now.
If I bite my tongue any longer im going to choke on all this blood (nasty, right?)
But, I can't rush things.

A.k.a, shut the fuck up Ashley.

I could probably blog about love and pain and heartache and bitchassness for days.

but you,
I cannot blog about at all because "we" don't exist.

It's just you and I,
feeling the same thing,
yet walking in different directions.

I'm not sure what to do about this but keep quiet and hope for the best.

Ha, yeah, hope.
I've lacked that for quite some time now.

*DropsMic*

I was gone for a minute, now im back...

2009-12-23T13:00:00.009-05:00

I've been trying to reevaluate my life, so to speak.
Trying to figure out where I've gone wrong, what I'm doing wrong, and what I can do to do better. I'm in the process of fixing a lot of things, but i know i'll be okay.
*thumbs up*

Sometimes it's just best to let some things go and see if perhaps, they will come back to you. I'm pretty confident that something will happen one day, just not right now when I seemingly need/want it the most...it's just not going to happen. My timing once again, is perfect *note sarcasm*

It feels as if the world is raining down upon my soul again...this is a decision I hated having to make.

"I don't want to be here without you/I can't breathe"

but hey, you can't lose something that you never really had in the first place, right?

*drops mic*

Lacking Sense.

2009-11-17T09:13:00.006-05:00

I feel as if I’m shutting down.
Like a power outage; you always know when there's going to be one. Everything slowly starts to power down and makes that crazy noise (you know what noise I’m speaking of?)
And although it happens in a matter of seconds, mine is seemingly happening in a matter of days; Slow days.
A power outage lasting much longer than I wish for,
But giving me time to correct the problem and power back up.
I’m not sure at this point if I wish to fix it.
I’m not sure if shutting down completely isn’t what I want.

I’m confused.
And I know why.
I’m not sure if I’ll state every reason behind why I am
but I know why...

Ya know, it's weird because I’m not really confused... I’m just stuck in a place, feeling a certain type of way and I can't seem to escape the feeling. No matter what I tell myself and no matter what is told to me, I just can’t seem to run away from it. Let it go.

haha, yeah.
Let. It. Go.

*flings mic*

Nevermore....

2009-11-16T11:29:00.007-05:00

I had this dream,
one of those crazy dreams
a dream where I was in-love with him
and him with me.
yet found out it was lust/infatuation
no real love involved

ever wake with an ever pressing pain of fear in your chest?
As if you if you have no where else to turn but to that one person
that real love is not involved with?
A pain of losing something that's not yours
and will never be yours
yet the pain associated with your love that you know is real
is unbearable.

I woke up sweating.
In the middle of November.
My heat was off due to mother natures indecisions
yet I was sweating
as if I fought a tough battle in my dream
I awoke in a place I find to be my safe haven
but was scared to rise out of my own fear of failure
to ever truly
trust
believe
and love someone again.

*passes mic*

And yet another. . .

2009-11-03T12:40:00.014-05:00

In which u stood stood
Staring
I confessed a million things
All the while
You stood
Staring.
Call it a blank stare if you will
Hell, call it whatever type of stare you'd like
But it was a fearful stare
A stare which I hate to speak on

As I walked away
Down that corridor
I begged for your company,
You know the friendly type
The protect you type
Yet you stood
Motionless
As I left you.

I find the way I felt as he stood above me
Was a pain like non other
And when he fled
I vomited up such pain
And bled out scared anger.

And when I turned and looked back
there you were
right where I left you.
Standing
Staring - that blank, cold stare
Emotionless
Mindful of nothing.

Well Kept.

2009-10-30T15:30:00.005-04:00

I was looking forward to him.
ya know, like a small child looks forward to candy.
Like the anticipation of that same lullaby being sung every night since you were a baby
by the sweetest voice you ever heard
beautiful.
The anticipation of his presence is a sweet one.
Although he's more of an acquired taste, he's my favorite flavor.
I savor every work spoken
And every word not spoken.
I. Don’t. Know. What. It. is.

So why am I blogging about it?

*kanye shrug*

But boy, do I yearn for something that will never be mine.

A huge part of me wants to be completely selfish and yell ever ounce of my heart right in his face.
But who am I to care?
Who am I to give a shit about my feelings above anyone else’s?
Sound kind of terrible, I know.

And it may even sound like I’m being a sarcastic bitch.

But I’m not.

Just stating how I am.

And as badly as I want to change that …

right now …

in this situation …

is just not the right time to change it.

Perhaps it is and I’m reading everything all wrong.
But my heart says otherwise.

*drop kicks mic*

Exposed

2009-10-29T15:13:00.005-04:00

Let me begin by saying; if you know me, you know I have secrets. You know that once I tell myself that I’m keeping something to myself, I am going to do just that and by all means necessary; Even if it means lying.

Lying is bad people. No matter how you put it. But sometimes some things are just better left unsaid and protected for the sake of your own sanity. I guess that’s selfish, huh? Lying to another person to make you feel better.

I have this problem with keeping things inside. I have this problem with thinking if anyone knew certain things they would judge me. Secretly, I loathe being judged. I don’t feel anyone has the right to judge anyone, but people do it anyways. Even I’m guilty of that. So, I keep it to myself. I hide it away. And most of the time I forget about it. The only way I’ll actively realize what I’m doing is if the topic is brought up and honestly, if I don’t feel you’re worthy enough of knowing my secrets, im not telling you. I will simply lie.

Smh, I know.

I’ve come across a person that for some reason I feel incapable of lying to. I don’t know what it is about him. I just can’t. Now at first, I did. It didn’t matter to me. He didn’t matter to me. In time, that has changed. You should never lie to someone because you never know just how close you’ll get to that person down the line. And if that lie comes out, it’s a strike against your character.

There’s nothing left for me to confess. . . . I’ve never felt so exposed in my life.

*kicks mic*

Nonsense

2009-10-18T23:27:00.001-04:00

So I haven't blogged in awhile- blah blah blah

A lot has been going on. Internally though, not so much externally. I've been in this tug'o war with my heart an I feel like cutting it out of my chest, handing it to him and walking away cos really, it's doing me no good.

*sigh*

Call me pessimistic but this fuckin shit makes me wanna scream!!

My cup is definitely have empty.
But only bc you won't stop sipping from it.

I'm not one to give up. I use to be. Had this been me back in high school, my high yellow ass would have given in to defeat as soon as it showed its ugly head. But now... Now I feel like giving up just isn't in me anymore...but damn, how I feel it creeping up.

I'm laughing at myself now because I'm pretty sure anyone that reads this is gonna say, "huh?" Cos' ya know, when ya want ya blog to get popular u should keep it more universal.. What people like...what people understand...
Oh yeah?
Well fuck you, I'm not universal, I'm just me.
#FuckOutMyFace
:)

*drops mic*
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Choose Your Battles.

2009-10-06T12:00:00.001-04:00

It’s a must nowadays. It seems these last few months of my life have been one big game of chess. Every move I make has been affecting someone else in some way. Now I do realize that life has always been like this, but it seems I’ve been more aware of it now more than ever. It seems as if I’m actually moving these pieces purposely to get what I want.

Sounds terrible, huh? Let me reword.

It’s not exactly about getting what I want or having something play out in my favor (or else a lot of shit would be different) but it’s about what I know will happen with time instead of right now. I’m not living so much for right now, as much as I am for the future. I make my moves based on what I feel will happen in due time. Stupid? Nah, I say wise. Because what I know I want in the future, I really can do without right now.

Think about it…

Many things have popped up between friends and handling that has proven to be a problem for me as well as with others. I’m taking the backseat with information I have and letting everyone’s life play out the way it will. But it’s hard. It’s hard to know something that will ultimately break a friends heart. It’s even harder to feel a certain way about someone but have to keep it inside. Sometimes things are better left unsaid, but those unspoken words can destroy you.

Right?

You can’t exactly open your mouth at every given point. Well you can, but that’s not very tactful. Nor is it smart. Never let another know how you’re playing the game. Keep your next move quiet or else the right people will take it the wrong way and ultimately you’ll end up losing way more than you bargained for.

Remember, choose your battles wisely.

*drops mic*

We are all one in the same.

2009-09-01T16:39:00.002-04:00

We live, we laugh, we cry, we smile, we frown, we break hearts, we gossip, we think we’re different, we pout, we complain, we’re indecisive, we think we know what we want but really we have no idea – We are all one in the same.

Some things differ from person to person.
You’ll say; “I don’t gossip”
But when you’re sitting there with your best friend, you’ll feed into it.
He’ll say; “I don’t judge”
But if someone cracks a joke on what another person is wearing, he'll laugh and agree.
I’ll say; “I know what I want”
But then turn around and crush when I wanted to be single.

Some are the same in a negative way, some in a positive way. It’s all in how you control your life; which can be an argument because some feel you have no control (the whole religious thing). But I do believe when you wake up everyday you choose, subconsciously, whether or not you will handle the day in a positive or negative way. You choose whether or not you will be happy.

I wished more people believed that.

I sometimes wish that wasn’t true and at times believe it isn’t because it is much easier to be miserable than it is to be happy. It is much easier to look at all the negative things in life than the few positive. But once you say to yourself [aloud] “I’m stronger than this- this will not break me.” You start to feel a bit better because your mind realizes that things could be much worst than it already is.

Smile. Be happy. Control your own life.

Because you can be alone, with no job, no family, no home, no love… nothing.
And not one person I know is suffering from any or all of those things…
So please people remember;
You’re Only As Happy As You Allow Yourself To be.
If you decide that’s not the case, please don’t come to me because I will not pity you.
I will feel sorry.
And I will walk away.
Because I am the last person that needs negativity in my life.

*drops mic*

Pardon.My.Thoughts.

2009-08-31T13:25:00.004-04:00

I don’t know what life has planned out for me. Quite frankly, I am not concerned with that. What I am concerned about is my father showing up at my house, unannounced, and proceeding to tell me about all the terrible things that are happening in the family. You stay out of my life for how many years, but when your family is in need you show up out of nowhere?

Am I being punked?

Clearly, I am not family because I can name a few times when I needed you and where were you? Oh that’s right, chillin’ down south with your wife an her family. How dare I feel you should care-My apologies.

And then to tell me how my trife ass “sister” is still mad at me over something I had no control over – Bitch, you’re not even my real sister. How about you…let’s see…eat shit and bark at the moon? Yeah that’s it, do just that.

The best part is my brother. I knew he had a brain tumor...ive known for about 2yrs. But to come to me and tell me about his numerious seizures throughout the day, how he refuses to take his meds and how he feels his sons death is his fault because he died of a brain tumor, is real fucked up. But let’s not forget about your other kids and how they need their father. But apparently, that’s not what we do now. Selfish.

Thank you dad for once again coming into my life and making me feel like trash. Good job. Kudos.

I feel some type of way about all of this. I know that if my brother died tomorrow, I would not know. I can’t find someone who doesn’t want to be found.

Well then, I guess this is goodbye.

*throws Mic*

Moving Forward.

2009-08-25T09:54:00.003-04:00

Away. From. You.

I have a friend who said it best; “You are giving him false hope Ashley when you know there’s nothing left.” He is right.

After a 5yr relationship and a one yr on and off type thing, I finally officially told the father of my children, the man I though I’d spend the rest of my life with, that it is really over. I finally got him to realize it. After numerous conversations of me telling him, “I’m emotionally done with you- I am no more, I have nothing left to give.” He finally gets it. I think it was the finalization in my voice, the placement of my words, and the sadness in my tone that really helped him feel the end.

In a way this is a big disappointment to me because I really did think I would spend my life with him. This is not how I pictured my life at 24. But I am surprisingly happy. I know for a fact that this is the best decision for me and my children. They need me happy and carefree- not stressful, angry, resentful ect…

“Disappointment is a product of expectation; the less you expect of someone, the less you’ll be disappointed.” *Perdo*

And to be honest I haven’t expected anything this past 1 1/2yr, so to contradict myself, I am not disappointed.

My mind, body and soul are now as free as my heart has been for the past year.

*Drops mic*

With You, I Am An Open Book.

2009-08-18T14:41:00.004-04:00

I will not yet confess every sin to him, but I’ll definitely confirm them.

It’s not like it use to be. You simply have to watch what you say to too many people nowadays; even friends. Not all of your friends, but most. And judging from experience, it’s usually females you have to worry about. But it seems that you’ll eventually meet (or have met) someone that you instantly feel you can trust your life with.

Instantly; (as a conjunction): as soon as; directly

I can meet someone and know within minutes whether I can trust them or not. How far I can trust them, with what, how long they’ll be trustworthy and under what circumstances that they may not be. It’s what I do. I read people. You may be trustworthy but highly judgmental and those are the people I despise the most. And by judgmental I do not mean, judging me on what I wear or petty things like that, I mean judging my life and the decisions I’ve made/making when you know absolutely nothing about me. Those that do know me think they know me…so judging what you think you know is just as wrong; you know nothing.

But then there’s that one person (perhaps two) that you would pour your heart out to knowing he/she is not judging you, is not going to be bias and will always keep it real with you no matter what. I truly appreciate people like that (I truly appreciate you).

*drops mic*

A Dream.

2009-08-12T12:36:00.007-04:00

I had a dream about my father last night.

It’s quiet vivid now.
He drove past me on my way home from work.

I watched as he turned the car around and pulled over.

I was wearing my yellow sundress.
He got out.

“Hi.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Tonight.”

“Wow.”

I remember him walking away.
I received a phone call.

“You should take Monday and Tuesday off, I’ll stay if you can.”

“Am I supposed to drop my life for you?"

“I’m trying here.”

“Too late.”

I woke up rather sad today and I couldn’t exactly put my finger on why I was feeling so terrible.
I’ve realized why now.

I cried in the bathroom at work a few minutes ago.
I hate to admit that.
I hate to admit that his actions (or lack there of) still bother me.

Fuckyousir.

*dropsmic*

PAUSE; BREAK

2009-08-10T12:39:00.002-04:00

So school in a few weeks? Not going to happen.

I think I cried for a good two or three hours. How is it that someone can make decent money but still be financially strapped? I feel like pulling my hair out. That’s one step further away of me completing my degree.

FML.

Now I’m not complaining because yeah I know, life style choice but fuck! DEADASS NYS you can’t help at all??? Hey, let’s raise the tuition and sit back and watch how many assholes give up.
This shit makes me despise my stepfather
And my father.
Pricks.

Now I’m trying not to be such an angry person and think things through before I implode and that’s actually been helping but let me tell you, shit hurts; a lot. I need to get a second job. I actually need to stop saying I need to get one and actually get one.

Highlight of Sunday;
“Ash, you’re like a lil good luck charm…You’re smile brightens my day.”

I hated my smile my whole life and now people are saying it attracts them to me, guess it’s not such a bad smile after all =D

Highlight of Saturday;
Orphan with Heather (a must see!!)
Rickie’s BBQ (. . .)
And home =D

I’m still bummed about school but I’m keeping as positive as I possibly can because really, it’s not going to help to be miserable.

*if these pricks at my job would have offered me the OT at $21hr like they did people from other departments then I would make more than HALF my tuition in the three days they need people…SMMFH*

*DROPS THE MF MIC*

My Tee Shirt Is Better Than Yours

2009-08-06T12:36:00.002-04:00

I have an obsession with shirts; tee shirts to be exact. Tight ones, loose ones, black ones, blue ones. Tee shirts make me happy. They can say the dumbest shit and I will buy it, wear it, take a picture in it, and post it because really, I’m corny like that. I’m cool like that.

I have a few favorites but nothing makes me happier than my Incredible Hulk tee shirt. That’s right, I said it. THE INCREDIBLE HULK! Because really, he is the man! Perdo’s Transformers tee has nothing on my Hulk tee. Carlos’s TMNT tee has NOTHING on my Hulk tee. Yup, I’m talking shit!

WHAT NOW, SON!?

In all seriousness though, tee shirts these days are getting better and better; especially for us woman. They taper at the sides just right, a good v-neck is a God send, and the nice thin quality for the summer has me in heaven! I’ve also found that more expensive the tee the better it is. Let me rephrase that; It’s common sense that the more you pay for an item the better it USUALLY is but a tee shirt? There’s no reason why you should have to pay more than $10 for one… but I have, and I will continue to; especially when it feels so damn good.

102 Truths about moi =)

2009-08-04T16:54:00.016-04:00

I’ve decided that today is going to be the day that I write down 100 Truths about myself… But let’s make it a little interesting shall we? How about 102 Truths? I know, so very daring right? The number isn’t completely random. Everyone has done 100 and I hate odd numbers so, 102 is the next logical number =)

1.I curse like a fuckin sailor! It’s terrible really. I do well in public but with friends or at home it’s a wrap on that.

2. I hate confrontation. Unless I’m being disrespected, then I’m going to simply make you feel like trash. But in an upscale sort of way.

3. I like to think I’m religious. I just view God a lot differently than most.

4. I don’t attend church and I feel I need to.

5. I stop myself from doing lots of things because I strongly believe in karma.

6. My favorite color is green but I love to wear grey.

7. If I had a nice body, I’d pose nude for Art.

8. I feel I need braces. I hate my teeth. (but they’re nice an white though!)

9. If music was a man, I’d be his whore.

10.I try very hard not to judge someone before I get to know them.

11. I will laugh at a random person if my friends are making jokes but I secretly feel really bad about it.

12. I hate being stared at. Unless I’m talking to you. I feel I’m being judged..

13. I love to laugh. If you can make me laugh out loud, then you are truly comical.

14. I’m a horror movie freak. They make me happy. But when I watch them alone at least ONE light has to be on in the house. Don’t judge me!

15. I use to think my dolls would come to life like Chucky and/or puppet master and kill me, so I treated my dolls real well.

16. Puppet master is the reason why I hate puppets. They’re fuckin creepy an I fuckin hate them.

17. Clowns on TV I can deal with. Clowns in person I cannot. Please, stay the fuck away from me.

18. Every time I see a Siberian Husky in a pet store I get real emotional. I love those dogs!

19. I use to run away from my sitter’s house at night and go home, sleep in front of my apartment door (inside) with Lady (my husky) on the other side until my father got home from work.

20. I’m tearing up right now over #19.

21. I love photography. I have a 200mm camera that I don’t use as often as I use to. It’s actually the last thing my father ever gave to me (maybe that’s why I don’t).

22. I love the sun. I could stay in it for hours an be content as ever. It makes me happy.

23. I do love it when it is pitch black outside on a clear night an you can see unlimited amounts of star clusters. My Telescope is truly missed.

24. I’ve been playing the violin for 16yrs.

25. I came so close to marriage that I was actually outside of the courthouse.

26. I horde hate for one person. And I hate hating her but I fuckin HATE her with a passion.

27. I keep my enemies the closest.

28. I have a friend that I feel I can tell anything to without being judged at all. Completely.

29. I want to move to Boston b/c it’s wonderful and my girl Candy lives there.

30. In high school, my friends an I called ourselves FUA (Fuck Ups Anonymous) Our names were as follows; AC (me), PM (Pimp Maj), QC (Quota Candy), AN (Arian Nation), DD (Dumb Dyke), QB (Queen B [not Queer Boy, Donell!]) and MF ...I can't remember Olivia's or Matt's (aka Thomas).

31. I’ve always wanted to be a ballroom dancer.

32. I hate feet. If you don’t have nice feet, I can’t talk to you.

33. People seem to think I’m a bitch because I’m quiet. Just because I’m not talking to you doesn’t mean I’m a bitch, it just means I don’t want to talk. Period. Just because I don’t laugh at your jokes doesn’t mean I’m a bitch, it means you’re not funny. Period.

34. I hate when people can’t spell. They have spell checkers and dictionaries. It’s 2009 people, get with it.

35. It bothers me when people use phrases the wrong way; “I could care less” excuse me but it’s “I COULDN’T care less.” This is a common misconception.

36. I usually wish I had a shot gun when people press the elevator button 10 fuckin times! It’s not going to get their any quicker people! Press it once. If I could shoot them in the finger I would.

37. I love making rubber band balls.

38. I really enjoy shopping for stationary. I’m very picky about my pens, I love highlighters, post-its are so cute now, and even the damn tacks are cute!

39. I think the reason there are so many idiots in the world is because college is too expensive! I just paid $459 for ONE class… smh

40. I don’t think having a degree makes you any better than the next person. Because I bet my skill and wit will get me hired quicker than your degree.

41. When I was a teenager I use to watch Real Sex on HBO all the time. It was very interesting, what can I say.

42. When I lost my virginity, I didn’t care. I wanted to know what the big deal was, it was bad. I stayed away from sex for a year.

43. I think sharks are the most misunderstood marine animals. You don’t fuck with them and they won’t fuck with you. Period.

44. I get mad when people say I’m Spanish and argue with me about it. “Why would you deny your heritage?” DEADASS though, I’m going to LIE about being Spanish and say I’m Lebanese?? My people are fucking terrorists you twit! Why would I want to make that shit up???

45. I can be very argumentative. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. Choose wisely.

46. I prefer if a person tells me they don’t like me straight up. Don’t smile in my face then talk behind my back, because I will find out and I will approach you.

47. Messes make me nervous. I feel bad for my kids because I can’t stand it when their toys are all over.

48. Dishes piss me off. I hate doing them.

49. I really do love to cook. I just wish I had more time to experiment.

50. To me, being in-love is the best feeling in the world and falling out of love is the worst.

51. I’m starting to love my hair curly. If you can’t beat’em, join’em.

52. To this day I still do not have a tattoo! *gasp* I know!

53. I can’t have casual sex with someone I don’t know or like. Sex is no longer as special to me as it once was, but I still can’t have sex with just anyone.

54. I know I think about sex more than the average man.

55. I check out guys with a fatty as much as they check out woman. Degrade us, we’ll degrade you.

56. I think male strippers are disgusting. Does not turn me on at all.

57. On the other hand, I don’t mind watching women strip (as long as they’re attractive).

58. I don’t think I’ll ever have anal sex…something just seems wrong about that.

59. I’m a very easy person to talk to and I will take whatever you tell me to the grave. I see no reason in telling anyone’s business, even if it would benefit me.

60. Truthfully I can’t wait to be married. But the next time it gets to that point I won’t be so fuckin blind to what’s going on around me.

61. I’ve been writing poetry since the 7th grade but I only have a handful that I actually like. I’m very hard on myself.

62. This is the best year of my adult life. Worst year for my love life.

63. I had completely given up on men until I came across him, and now I’m crushing like a little schoolgirl.

64. As much as I hate what twitter/facebook/texts are doing to communication and the English language, I am very impressed with technology these days.

65. I can shoot a shotgun! It’s such a great feeling.

66. I have shot a few woodchucks in my day and it was great.

67. I do not have my pistol permit yet. It is pending though. They investigate you like you’re a fuckin terrorist (hahaha, fam was born in Lebanon so I can see the hold up)

68. I can speak a little French. I use to be quite good at it but I didn’t keep up with it. Shame on me because I loved it.

69. I sleep with 8 pillows and one is usually between my legs.

70. I refuse to give away the stuffed animals I had when I was a kid.

71. My nickname Animal Cracker came from my best guy friend, Joe. He told me in Earth Science that I looked like a half baked animal cracker… the nickname stuck. He’s my Vanilla Wafer.

72. I believe in spirits.

73. I hate going to a doc office because the nurse there is hott an I ALWAYS get him, no matter what!

74. I am a hardcore football fan. I get upset and everything.

75. In high school I crushed on MD for a whole year.

76. My friends and I use to drive around and steal hazard cones and street signs.

77. FUA celebrated every holiday. Kwanzaa was our favorite.

78. I admire Donell the most from high school. (love you boo)

79. Everlong by the Foo Fighters is one of my top fav songs of all time.

80. When I was in high school I wanted to be a Navy Seal. They’re fucking amazing. But they don’t allow women to become one. Pricks.

81. It would take a really special man to make me want to have kids again.

82. I suffer from depression and I’m very scared I will become (or just might be) bipolar like my mom, aunts, sister, and grandmother. I pray everyday that it passes me by.

83. I do not speak to my fathers side of the family. I love them but I don’t think they give a shit about me.

84. I lost my nephew when I was 14, he was only 13 (RIP)

85. My brother has a tumor. His son died from a brain tumor. He refuses to get treated because he feels he’s the reason why his son died. I hate that. Sadly, I do not know whether he is still alive because of #83.

86. I absolutely love Stephen King and Edgar Allen Poe!

87. I don’t eat candy as much as I’d like. I don’t drink soda too often either.

88. I love working out. Helps to clear my mind, which in turn makes me feel better.

89. I’ve always wanted to race cars. When I had my 5spd Honda Civic V-Tech I raced that shit aaaaaaaalll the time. The thrill excited me.

90. I secretly love adrenaline rushes (I don’t live for them bc they give me migraines, go figure)

91. I’m looking into what it becomes to become a citizen of Canada. I need out of the USA. We’re slowly digging ourselves into a fuckin whole.

92. When I go to the dentist, I always ask for a sticker (don’t judge me).

93. When my best friend and I stopped being friends in high school, I cried for months.

94. People use to say I was the teachers pet because I actually did the work and participated, therefore the teachers liked me.

95. In 8th grade I did a 5pg report on Hitler, only 2 pages was required, because none of the honor students (I was not honors) didn’t do as much I. I was told I plagiarized (even tho she had sites), and to redo it an make it 1 to 2 pages. I told her no. She said she wouldn’t recommend me for honors English in high school. I simply said “fuck you for doubting I’m as good as the honor students” and walked away. I spent 4yrs in the shittiest English classes EVER. Hey Mrs. Palmer, FUCK YOU!

96. When it comes to music, I’m all about the lyrics. Yeah, a good beat is nice, but your words mean more to me than your sound ever will.

97. I thank Pedro everyday for making me realize that the memory associated with music is there for a reason, don’t hate it embrace it.

98. When I get angry, I cry. Because it literally hurts to feel so hateful.

99. I’m truly a big kid at heart.

100. I use to love my father to death. I wish he felt the same. If he ever did, I would still be in his life.

101. I’m at CSEA eating Cheetos and drinking lemonade. Yes, the fingers on my left hand are a light orangish color.

102. I cried three times while writing this.

A Small Inspiration

2009-07-20T16:06:00.003-04:00

I have a friend that makes me reevaluate a lot of things in my life. Not because he judges it and not because he says I should change, but it’s the advice he gives and the way he presents it that makes it seem like everything he says is directed towards me. And although it’s not, I can relate to it and it makes me want to change.

Change the way I view things. Change the way I handle things. Change the way I let things get to me. I feel like, there is no reason for me not to be happy. There is no reason for me to dwell on things, and no reason for me to just not let go. I have never spoken to him about certain things that I feel I need definite help with, but every piece of advice has directly lead me to help myself out in the problems I’m having.

I feel like I can now pull myself out of a situation while it is happening, and think about it without acting on it [until I’m ready to]. I feel like I’m more able to think things through from different aspects before I explode [haha, cos I do that frequently].

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like there was anything wrong with me to the point where change was needed, but internally there was [is] and I seem to be having an easier time dealing with things. As if it’s more natural. I’m not trying as hard to understand things, I’m not trying as hard to explain things, I’m simply viewing it differently and dealing with it in a more put together manner. And I know for a fact that I have him to thank for that =)

*drops mic*

Are You Friends with Your Ex?

2009-07-17T16:44:00.001-04:00

There is a mini debate going around amongst my friends on this particular topic. Some of them say yes it is possible to be friends; others say it’s impossible and disastrous. I think I may be the only one with mixed feelings about it.

I feel it’s dependant upon the break up. If you’re dating someone for a few months and realize it’s just not working, there’s no reason not to stay friends. If you’re with someone for years and you both agree it’s going nowhere and don’t want to further waste each others time, then friendship is okay. I look at it like; why lose them altogether? You’ve been together for awhile; they’re like your best friend, might as well keep some sort of relationship. [But it’s also obviously dependant upon the individual as well]

Now, here’s where you shouldn’t be friends. Bad breakup? Don’t stay friends. One still has feelings for the other? Don’t stay friends. If you have kids with that person, do not stay friends. *PAUSE* obviously you have to stay amicable for your kid(s) but being friends and hanging out like buddies is not a smart thing to do. No matter what any woman/man says, if you have a child by someone, don’t end up together, see them (or they see you) with another person, all hell will break loose internally and eventually it will blow up externally. Not a good look. Especially for men because they have that whole “I don’t want another man fathering my child.” Yada yada yada. Most of the time when you have a child with someone you invested a lot into that relationship, and obviously thought about a family and marriage with that person. So once that fails, or cheating is involved, or the man (or woman) backs out, there is nothing but resentment. We can pretend there isn’t but there is. It’s there.

Some say that friendship directly after is a no because no matter what there are still feelings involved. But again, if you both love each other but feel its going nowhere; there is no reason not to stay friends. But if one still has feelings and doesn’t want the relationship to end, then it might not be too wise to be friends; at least not right away. Wait for the feelings to subside, and then try a friendship.

And as for me? One ex (sad I know) 2 kids, failed 6yr relationship and he cheated on me with so many people that I’m embarrassed to say the number. I’ve tried telling him that we need to be amicable for the kids; I’ve tried telling him that we can try to be friends because we have too much to lose. But he’s not hearing it. He refuses to see me happy. He refuses to see me with anyone else. And since I told him I was emotionally done with him, he holds the fact that he watches the kids while I work over my head; hence why I can’t cut ties… at least not yet. This is a pure example of not ever having a friendship with this man. He’s caused too much resentment for me to ever consider being friends with him on any level. Amicable? Yes. Friend? Never.

*drops mic*

Crushing, anyone?

2009-07-09T12:28:00.008-04:00

Well then here’s too you, because I am too.
I know what you’re thinking, “How 3rd grade is this?” because seriously, who crushes anymore? Grown as hell, yet we’re experiencing that same giddy ass feeling we did when we first crushed.

Come on people you do remember your first crush, right? I definitely remember mine; Michael Q. He lived down the block from my aunt. I specifically remembering him having black hair and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. Every time he was around my heart sped up, my palms became sweaty, and I couldn’t stop fidgeting. To this day I have the vivid memory of him an I sitting atop the monkey bars in my aunt Cathy’s backyard and talking about Transformers (I believe I was 6 or 7) and all I could think about was how cute he was.

Well kids, that’s how I feel now. It’s a more mature feelings of course (even though if we sat and talked about Transformers, I’m all for it) but it’s still the same premise; heart racing, sweaty palms, nervous when he/she is around, butterflies in your tummy (yes, I said tummy), fidgety, smiling every two seconds when there is absolutely NO reason to be smiling, you will try to touch him/her as much as possible, even if it’s the smallest touch, and when he/she aren’t around you think about him/her, and every inch of your body becomes eager and flushed with the very thought of being with that person. You smile all the time [which pisses everyone off at my job because they’re use to the cynical me, not the happy me] and you’re just downright happy. Even hearing there voice over the phone is an exhilarating feeling. I love it.

Is there a better feeling though? Well I know love is but aside from that serious shit, this isn’t serious. This is expectation-less happiness and it’s a great feeling. You can have kids, be a virgin, be stressed out to all hell but I’ll tell you what, you’re crush isn’t thinking about that. All they can think about is being around you, seeing you smile, hearing you laugh, or just cracking the lamest jokes with you.

Crushes are well worth it and if this is 3rd grade all over again, then I’m happy to be back here =)

*drops mic*

There's more to life than heartache.

2009-06-30T16:09:00.001-04:00

There’s more to life than heartache.
There’s more to life than the bitter taste past relationships leave in your mouth.
But damn, why is it so hard to let go?

I can sit here and be as strong as I want to be one minute, and then down and out the next. It’s like I live on a bipolar rollercoaster. The weird part is that I have forgiven pretty much everyone in my past; including childhood trauma. But there are these times when I just get so upset and angry at everything that has happened. I don’t know why. It’s seemingly taking the best of me though. I have no desire to do anything lately but take care of my kids and make sure they are happy. Everyone else is null and void; which is a shitty way to live.

But I love being around people. I’m that type of bubbly, sarcastic, silly ass person that lives off of interaction with people. It makes me feel better; inside and out. But what does one do when you no longer have the energy or strength to even get up and hang out? To pick up the phone and invite people over because you’re too afraid that the wrong type of hug from the right person is going to make you break down?

So, I sit and wait it out. Eventually I’ll feel better and everything will be right in my world. But that world just may up empty.

*drops mic*

Anger Driven

2009-06-25T09:51:00.001-04:00

I’m experiencing slight bouts of random anger lately.
Actually it’s been like this for awhile now but it is becoming more frequent. Because of my sense of humor no one is taking it seriously. Which I guess is a good thing because I don’t need people down my throat about it. But this really isn’t a joke at all.

The only way I know how to deal with it is by staying away from people and that is starting to turn out to be a disaster. But no one gets that this anger feels like hate and all I want to do is make someone hurt. So if I’m around you, I may say things intentionally to hurt your feelings, and although I would normally never do that, I’m not in my right mind and don’t care. I have actually tried being around people thinking that maybe it would help, but the slightest thing set me off and let me tell you, keeping my mouth shut and trying not to be really mean was one of the hardest things I had to stop from doing.

Some people are taking me being distant, or me not trying to hang out with them as me not caring, or that I’m being rude. That’s not the case. I’m genuinely afraid that if I don’t keep my distance I will hurt you. You will hate me. We will never speak again.

And sadly, I will not care.

*drops mic*

To be or not to be a Marine Biologist, that is the question.

2009-06-12T11:11:00.004-04:00

As a child you are told you can be anything you want to be,

“Anything you put your mind to and work hard for Ashley, you can achieve.”

And as a child, those words open up a slew of ideas, hope, dreams, and aspirations. If I remember correctly, I wanted to be a veterinarian since day once. I’ve always been an animal lover to the fullest extent and becoming a veterinarian seemed like the only logical thing at such a young age. Well as time wore on, I began to loathe school and decided that schooling to become a Vet was way too long for my taste. And also, after speaking with Veterinarians I realized that the death and disappointment associated, was something that I could not deal with. I couldn’t deal with the death of a friend’s animal; imagine being unable to save one and having to put it to sleep? No thank you.
So my animal dreams were crushed.

I then took on a very big interest in Criminal Investigation and Criminal Psychology. Throughout high school I intended on going to college to become one of those two professions. I was accepted to Farleigh Dickinson University, SUNY Canton, Castleton State College, and one in PA that I can’t remember. My first choice, FDU, turned out to be about 40 grand a year. My heart was broken when I found out my fucked up step father made too much money for me to get any sort of financial aid. Dream destroyed. Oh, and my moms credit was too fucked up for a loan and he wasn’t willing to co-sign. Great family man he was. So my next choice, SUNY Canton. I hated that school and here’s why; I was shocked with the realization that college kids are pigs. When I visited the school and learned about there new 4yr program in CI I was excited, but when I saw the dorm rooms, all that went away. I must say, deciding not to go because of my phobia of germs (plus the part of me that was still angry at having to settle) was probably the first and biggest mistake of my life.

In this time of aggravations and disappointments, I never lost sight of working with animals. I remember going to Disney World for spring break when I was a freshman in high school, experiencing the ocean like I never had before, and telling myself,
“I belong here.”
But when I told mom about wanting to be a Marine Biologist, she waved it off and pretty much told me there was no need for marine biologists, what kind of career would that be? Dream destroyed.

HVCC was my college choice. Troy, New-fuckin-York. Womp, Womp.
I took a Zoology class, fell in-love hardcore with it and told everyone that Marine Biology is where my heart is, and fuck you if you thought it was dead end career.

Well, I got pregnant. And you can pretty much guess the rest…
Dream on hold, NOT destroyed.

Now, 4 years, 2 kids and a failed 6 year relationship later, here I am. I’ve just been blessed with a wonderful job with plenty of advancement. But not within the realm of my dream. Shit, not even close. This job offers tuition reimbursement, but only for classes that will keep you apart of the organization. A.k.a NO Marine Bio….

I cried the other day over this. Is that what my life has come to? What will I tell me kids when they get older?
“My dream was to become a Marine Biologist, but I failed at life. But you can be what you wanna be…as long as it’s within reason.”
Shit, I don’t even have a support system that even wishes me luck in accomplishing my dream. I’m tearing up now just writing about it.

So I’ve decided not to take advantage of the tuition reimbursement here, and just go to school for what I want. I refuse to go back to school and be miserable. That’s what fucked me up in high school; I didn’t have a passion for anything but English and the sciences, which were the only two things I applied myself in (sadly). I refuse to show my kids that I had to settle because of a few mistakes I made. To me, settling is a better word for giving up, and I am not one to give up. My mom calls it foolish (as well as everyone else in my family), I call it determined. I mean come on; I’ve already been accepted to Coastal Carolina University! I just have to get my finances and shit together and then my children and I are gone.

I want to prove to my kids that no matter the hardships and obstacles you face in life, if you are determined enough and never give up, you can accomplish anything. And I will always support their dreams no matter how silly they may seem to be. Because I know a big part of how much I gave up throughout life was due to the lack of encouragement from those closest to me.

I forgive them, but I will not forgive myself if I give up anymore.

Upstate's Summer Fun Begins!!

2009-06-05T16:05:00.000-04:00

Alive @ 5 begins tonight!!
It’s what everyone looks forward to doing on Thursday nights in the summer.
I even find myself wanting to go.
Between Alive @ 5 and great friends, last year was a summer to remember.

For those of you new to this whole upstate NY fiasco let me break it down;
It’s an excuse to get out of work, go to downtown Albany and party. Live music, cheap beer and probably a whole lot of faces you never planned on seeing again. Oh the awkwardness of it all, what more could you ask for?
Drunk people in abundance and such debauchery that even I have been appalled to admit I witnessed.
Ahh, good’ol drunken times in downtown Albany, gotta love it.

The best part is of course, the drunken people and the endless amounts of poorly dressed and scantily clad women. Let me just say, drunken women in short shorts, skirt, (ect) are the worse, yet the best in so many ways. Degradation is given a whole new name at Alive @ 5.
I do not judge people, but I do laugh at them.
Come on I’m human, your ass would laugh too.
Shit, I’m laughing right now just thinking about the endless amounts of ridiculousness I’m going to witness.

But not so excited about the people I’m gonna have to pretend I don’t see until they come and say “Hi Ashley, it’s been so long how are you?”
“Not well enough to converse with you.”
Yeah, that’s the desired reaction but of course, lil’ol me will be nice…
Womp womp.
But there are those select few people who I will pretend as if I don’t remember them, only because they don’t deserve the memory. I’ll know who they are as they pop up.

Smallbany…that’s the real name of this damned place.

But yes everyone, prepare for fun filled debauchery brought to you by Alive @ 5 every Thursday night this summer!

I’m excited.
Although, I have more fun at the block party on Pearl St. after Alive at 5 than I do at the actual event. Go figure.

*FYI, this was written yesterday but my comp froze and wouldn't post it*

Art. Part Deux.

2009-05-27T11:38:00.001-04:00

Salvador Dali

His genuis is magnificent. It's hard to put words to the feelings I get when I look at his art work.

You can dream something and never remember it. Or you'd remember and be unable to fully grasp what it was you dreamed about. Dali had a way of taking his dreams, as bizzarr as they may have been, and making them art. Now, not all of his art is from his dreams but many of the pieces I admire most are.

Looking at his pieces summon a sort of wonder and awe. You can always look and see something different, or catch it from a different angle and feel like you're looking at a whole new piece of work.

'Swans reflecting Elephants' (1936)

This is definitely one of my favorite pieces by him. I remember first stumbling across it, quite unintentionally, and feeling confused at first because I didn't see a meaning behind it. And until recently, I was naieve enough to view all art as having some sort of meaning behind it and that if you didn't know it, it made no sense. And now as I've become more into art, I've realized that what the art means to you is what matters. What you take from it, how you view it, how it makes you feel..that is what matters. That to me, is what art signifies. The feelings in which it draws from the person.... So, I sat their staring at the picture and as soon as I saw the first elephant on the right I was stunned. I was in absolute awe of how he painted it. I remember feeling completely amazed. I smiled. And felt at ease. I must have stared at it for a good 30 minutes. Of course afterwards i googled 'Dali, Elephants, Swans' and came back with the above title. Searched above and beyond for it, and as little as 24 hours, it will be hanging on my livingroom wall =)

The next paintings [on right] I absolutely LOVE. 'Woman with a head of roses' is extremely intriguing to me. There's something about they way he painted her body and the way in which the cloth clings to it in such a flowing manner. The head of roses symoblizing the insignifigance, yet beauty of her face... The man behind her..wether or not a ghost, wether or not someone following her, or someone she passed by, I wonder about constantly.

I actually forgot the name of the one on the left. And yes, I could google it right now but that would be too easy.

Lincoln in Dalivision

This picture is actually another one that I am purchasing.

"The Archeological Reminisence of Millet Angelus"

Something about this stirs death within me. It seems as if the two figures are in mourning. As if sadness has overtaken them. The somberness in this picture draws me to it.

I really don't have a reason as to why I am so encaptured by Art lately. I just am. And feeling the emotion I feel when I see a certain piece of art is what I have seemingly been yearning for.

*drops mic*

One More Picture...

2009-05-27T10:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I did say I would get another picture of my outfit from Saturday night, so here's one more...

*please note, I was unprepared for the picture*

Art. Like I've never seen it before.

2009-05-26T12:14:00.000-04:00

Call me uneducated when it comes to Art but I haven't seen anything profoundly beautiful lately.
I can google practically any artist. Any type of art. Any year.

But Art these days is not the Art of those days.

And I've fallen in-love with the Art of those days.

Leonardo Da Vinci equals what?

Mona Lisa (1506) and the Last Supper (1498)

(His self portrait, the face of a woman, and the anatomy of a man)

Pretty much that's all I know, (and as you can see I only know the actual name and date of two).

In school it was as if that was all that mattered. And personally, I don't see the big deal with the Mona Lisa. And The Last Supper is only interesting because of the controversy surrounding it. Don't get me wrong, it is beautifully painted but no real reaction from me.

I happen to come across alot of his other paintings recently and I was left speechless.

My personal favorite is 'Fight between a Dragon and a Lion.'

One interesting fact about Da Vinci is the recent findings that many scholars (whomever) are coming across. The fact that many of his paintings actually have mirror images of God (some say). Regardless of who the images are of it is absolutely stunning.

This is the most intiguing picture I've ever set eyes on. Don't get me wrong, it creeps me out, but i love it. And yes, I am a huge Dali fan and his artwork is stunning to me but this image sends a chill down my spine, but it's satisfying chill that I can't get enough of.

That picture was actually found in the mirror image of 'Mona Lisa' right in the lower right corner. And it's actually seen in 'Mary, Christ, St. Anne and the Infant St. John' (the charcoal version, not the oil painted one). It is absolutely stunning.

http://www.lairweb.org.nz/leonardo/anne.html

Check out the charcoal one and see if you see it.

And here's the sight were they point out the image in the Mona Lisa.

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,20797,22880782-952,00.html?from=public_rss

All I can say is;

I wish my art teacher would have put more emphasis on more of Da Vinci's paintings rather than the select few.

Because paintings like these would have made me follow my younger dreams of being an artist.

Now my bigger love has a different view on things.

He goes by the name of Salvador Dali, and he gets a Blog all to himself...

*drops mic*

What nonsense...

2009-05-26T09:54:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if I enjoyed my weekend or if I hated it...
Regardless, it was comical.

Saturday was a cookout thrown by a friend. Decent music, pretty good food, alcohol and silly ass beer games (which i sadly did not partake in). My kids were with me so that was a handful in itself. They don't listen...smh...but the commentary amoungst friends is probably what kept me from exploding.
So, did I have fun?
*shrugs*

Saturday night was a different story...

We all went to Red Square... Meesha, Keima, Jovar, Ace, (annnd i forget his name).. and it was dead...
We looked sooo good that we didn't even wanna go in. All we could do was laugh.. But went in of course because we had to show love to Bway. Eventually Bway showed up, we showed love yet didn't leave. I'm still preplexed as to why we stayed...

Pedro showed up (i think when we decided we needed drinks to make the night better) and that was intersting. His mom cooked the best spanish food that I've ever had, hands down. I took a plate to go and put it in the car but not before i tasted it..and it literally made me want to go home, snuggle up in bed, watch TV and EAT!
The night turned out to be quite hilarious because of course, Pedro and Meesha decided to continuously do the 'HA-KEEM.'

smh...fuckin hilarious

My outfit was gorgeous if i might say so myself. The good pictures are on my FB but i can't log in @ work (go figure) so here's the best i can do...

I loooove it! and it looks lovely with my complexion =)

Sunday was filled with shopping! Well, for my kids anyways. Although, I did hit up Aeropostale and found the bathing suit I wanted for $40, and I got it $10!!! Gosh, I LOVE sales!

And Monday was a nice lovely cookout with the family. And by "Lovely" and "Family" I mean, kids drove me craaazy..but since we were with family, it didn't bother me as much.

Keep your religion to yourself.

2009-05-22T11:07:00.000-04:00

I like to think I'm pretty informed when it comes to religion.
At least enough to feel the way I feel about it.

I'm not overly religious. But I do believe in God. Proof or no proof, She's out there.
But I recently read something that described my feelings towards God completely, which was shocking to me because I've never been able to explain it quite like this;

"Having faith requires leaps of faith, cerebral exceptance of miracles-immaculate conceptions and divine interventions. And then there are the codes of conduct. The Bible, the Koran, Buddhist scripture...they all carry similar requirements- and similar penalties. They claim that if I don't live by a specific code I will go to hell. I can't imagine a God that would rule that way."

That sums up my faith.
I believe that if I live my life the best way that I could and tried to be the best person I could be, that God will know that. God will know in my heart that I tried. I don't think She's going to judge me based on the fact that I had to get a divorce because there was nothing left, or because I was unable to go to church everyday of my life, or because I cursed too much, or because I decided to live with someone before I got married ect...The God I believe in is not judgemental. The God I believe in loves me and apprecitates how hard I've worked, and appreciates how hard I'm trying to be a better person. She's not going to send me to hell because I wore jeans, support gay rights, or am in fact a lesbian. That's not my God.

Maybe it's the way I was raised.
I remember mom telling me
"You be the best person you can be and God will know that."
And I believe that.

"My mind tells me I will never understand God
And my heart tell me I am not meant to."

Oh, i believe in God...Just maybe not your God.

"Religion is like language or dress. We gravitate toward the practices with which we were raised. In the end. though, we are all proclaiming the same thing. That life has meaning. That we are grateful for the power that created us."

*drops mic*

[Quotes taken from 'Angels & Demons' by Dan Brown]

See, what had happened was...

2009-05-21T16:30:00.000-04:00

I spent the night laughing hysterically with some of the funniest people ever.
But by funny, i mean assholish funny, which makes things so much more amusing.

A BBQ @ 9pm, in the ghetto...you tell me what that spells out to you..
T.R.O.U.B.L.E..
Normally, little shit is expected,
but that shit,
that shit right there...
was NOT expected...

I'd continue to explain the details of a boy hitting a girl, who in turn brings her FAMILY back to beat his ass, who then shouts "I don't wanna fight" with a knife in his hand, who in turn runs upstairs, fight insues, his boy who is on parol goes in, gets fucked up along with his moms, boy comes out of window, throws knives and a can of diced tomatoes at the people fighting, cops come, boy comes downstairs tryin to fight...
I'd continue to explain all that...
but who am i to gossip??

*sidenote*
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE CAVALIERS??? smh...disgusting.

but the highlight of the night [Yes, it gets better]
We decided to make a dance and a rap [yes, a rap] out of the whole cherade...
"Do tha Hakeem, do the hakeem...[Do it Do it, do it do it]
I don't wanna fight, he got a butcher knife, he up in the window, while nigga's goin in tho, he fightin like a bitch yo, which his diced tomatoes..
I stopmed out my wifey, dirtied up my nike's, boys mom is goin in tho, still chuckin out my window..
Do it Do it, do it do it!
Now double time tha HAkeem!"

Yezzzzzir, we are assholes.
But it was HILARIOUS!

I <3 my friends.

*drops mic*

Frame of Mind

2009-05-21T11:28:00.000-04:00

Laying on my couch w nothing to do leaves room for thought.

I'm lacking self restraint in a way.
I know I'm not suppose to do something and yet, I feel so compelled to do it.
I need to find a more positive outlet for my mind.
A better way to breathe.
An easier way to take this burning sensation from my chest and dispose of it
[properly].
I don't know if it's anger or anxiety…
all I know is that it's there.
Lurking.
Taunting.
My heart is racing and all I can think about is making someone hurt..
[A few special people]
And the satisfaction of their suffering will complete me.
[So I need it]

I want to feel complete.

Laying on my couch lost in thought.. Seeking an outlet for pent up anger driven hate.

*drops mic*

Am I being punked?

2009-05-20T13:03:00.000-04:00

Ashton??

If he doesn't pop out from underneath my desk in 5 second I'm gonna flip!

[looks around]

OK, so maybe not, but really?

We can exchange glances and you'll think I wanna fuck.
I'll say,
"You're cute"

You'll think
"I wanna fuck"

Do i have, [and anyone can answer this one],
"I WANT TO FUCK YOU!"
flashing in neon lights across my forehead??

Yes, i am guilty of being a flirt, but that is it. I don't get where men come off thinking that just because i talk to you, or give you a compliment, that i wanna have sex...I don't!
And if i did, you'd know.
I'm a straightforward kind of girl. If i want you i will tell you, end of story.
There's is absolutely no shame in my game.
[haha, AC's got gaaaame]

Generally this wouldn't bother me. Actually it never has before because i was in a relationship and just didn't care. But now that I'm not, it's like, "Damn, can i just get to know you?"
Damn..at least pretend you want more than...actually, scratch that...I had a run in with a guy who played it like he liked me, got to know one another. and come to find out kid was...[brace yourself]... MARRIED!!
womp womp womp...
That story deserves it's own blog...
[Maybe tomorrow]

but back to the original complaint...
Will men ever get it??
*sigh*
[smh]

*drops mic*

Your disease is killing me...

2009-05-20T11:38:00.000-04:00

I'm feelin some type of way...

He's constantly around because we have kids together.
I came clean with him about a month ago.
I simply stated,

"I feel I'm emotionally done with this relationship."
Did he think i was joking?

He's done this for 6yrs.
I'll tell him how i feel about something, what's bothering me, what I want to do, what i dont want to do, ect.. and it's like in one ear and out the other. As if everything I'm sayin means nothing.
And if i bring it up and tell him he thinks im a fuckin joke, he gets mad. Yet continues to do the same shit. Continues to act like i didnt say a fuckin word to him.

"You can't force me to fall back in-love with you."
*blank stare*

What the fuck?
I think it's like, now that he knows im serious about how i feel and there's nothing left, he wants me now. He wants the family back, he's "in-love" with me...Men always want what they can't fuckin have (or what they are losing).

Yet, he wont sacfice his "friendship" with that cunt he cheated on me with ( I have the right to call her that bc she's disrespectful bitch)
"oh, we have the dog together"
Nigga, FUCK that dog! what the fuck is wrong with you??????
and he refuses to go to therapy.
This kid needs therapy. He has too much pent up anger from his childhood and he needs to work on bettering himself before i even give this relationship ANOTHER chance.
Shit, I need to start back up with it as well.
Im worried about bettering myself for my kids and our future. How am i supposed to fix this broken relationship when I'm just as broken?
I need time to heal and fogive him for everything.

That's my problem. I don't have the strength to forgive him right now...
I really don't.
It took me about 5yrs to forgive him for what had done. And i told him that. And we were happy [so i thought] and then i find out about the shit he had currently been doing. And it's like, I just forgave you, now i have to fogive you all over again?
And I can't.
I've tired, but i just can't right now.

Everytime he's around i get really angry inside. All i want to do is YELL and SCREAM and HURT him.
Break his heart.
I want him to hurt like I hurt.

[smh]

And I've told him that. And he just doesn't seem to get it.
He thinks that coming around and having amazing sex with me is going to change something. Like it's going to make me forgive and forget.
But the sex is just sex now.
It's not even the same anymore.
I no longer feel that emotional attachment to him like I use to.
And that hurts.
A lot.
Falling out of love when you were completly consumed in it for so long, hurts.
A lot.

The worst part is that this is killing me more than it is him...

[I am no more, I have nothing left to give.]

Ill Mannered

2009-05-19T12:52:00.000-04:00

I like to think I'm enough into music to give opinions on it.

Drake:

All I can say is "Wow!"
yea, that dude from Degrassi.

Which is funny to me because I remember some years back when he did that song 'Replacement Girl" ft. Trey Songz...I thought it was a joke. Not that the song wasn't hot, but they premiered it right after Degrassi @ like 11pm and i was like,

"Is he serious?"
and well, he was. Very much so.

And here I am admitting years later that the kid is fly.
Lyrically he's surpassing many of these other rappers out here and the boy is 22.
They're sitting around comparing him to Lil Wayne, which i guess as a rapper he may be thinking, this is great. But really, lil wayne?
If you really listen to all his songs, he's not.
His voice is beautiful [not suicidally annoying]
His rhymes are straight forward and very surprising

["Did he really just say that?"]

and definitely not repetitive.
[if there's one thing that pisses me off about lil wayne is his repetitiveness]

Drake KILLED the Ransom track ft Weezy...outshines him with no problem.
Don't believe me?
http://www.myspace.com/thisisdrake

I took the liberty of dl'ing 'So Far Gone,' and I can't get enough of it.
I highly recommend doing the same.
It's interesting how he goes from a singing as well as he does on 'Brand New' and then goin in on 'The Calm.'
I'm definitely impressed.
[Yes, because I matter]

And that Hot97 freestyle on 4/19...CRAZY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VnWPRNzd3Q

Drake-Congratulations [smh] CRACK!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-OzvlQyYks

Wether you agree or not, the Kid is goin hard right now.
I applaude the album -

[And if Bway doesn't get him to the 518, I will personally beat his ass =P]

*drops mic*

Sincerity, in its truest sense...

2009-05-18T15:52:00.000-04:00

You can sit at work and work,
or you can sit at work and blog.
Hm...

I'm just thoroughly confused with the current state of my mind.
I don't ask for much..matter of fact, i don't ask for anything.
Except for maybe,
Respect.
Honesty.
That's pretty much it.
Yet, I get neither of the above.
But those i do get it from (who know who they are)
i thank you.
But those that dont (who know who they are)
I curse you.
Because honestly, honesty is not that hard.
Especially between friends..
or maybe it's "friends."
yeah. that's my problem, i have "friends."
[smh] it's sad, in the truest sense of the word.

I'm compelled to fuck someone up.
But yes everyone, I do have more class than that.
[sadly, sometime I wish I didn't]

So this is me holding my head up and walking away.
Because I'm better than this.

If I were you..

2009-05-18T14:37:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't be so pretentious.
Excuse my lack of a better word, but i think that sums you up.
I'd like to continue my livid thoughts of you
but how would that make me look?

like you?

Exactly.

So for all the things I want to say I'll just say this:
I will, and I promise, fuck you up. Don't let my calm demeanor fool you.
Don't let my lack of words for scum such as you, fool you.
Actions do in fact, speak louder than words.

Yours Truly,
The one you can't get enough of.