No one said it would be so hard...

There's not much to say, except that I'm sorry.

I've said it enough, yet feel as if I haven't.

There is no way to replace what that little girl has lost, and I am to blame for that. And as much as tell myself accidents happen, i can't seem to forgive myself, and the more I try, the more i remember, and who wants to remember that?

Who wants to sit and wallow in the sound of metal colliding, and the look on his face as he lay there; motionless?

who wants to go through that overandoverandover again to simply forgive oneself?
I'd rather forget than face it, but it's never going to go anywhere, and the sooner i convince myself of that, the better off I'll be.

I haven't written, because it's all the same: lights, sounds, smells, visions all from the same night one year ago, and I CANT SEEM TO END THESE IMAGES!

if this isn't hell, it's close enough.

I'm pleading silently for it to just end.

it's catasrophic, and i can't stop it.

It's all relative ...

You can feel that someone is the most amazing person in the world, but if they don’t feel it, it won’t matter.

You can be so in-love with someone, but if they can’t understand why, then it just won’t matter…

How do you go about convincing someone that their very soul is coursing through your veins?

How do you get their already discouraged heart to understand that its future will be nothing like its past?

I could take the easy way out and claim, “Oh, in due time…”
But it’s not the length of time it will take that worries me, it’s the space in-between.

No one asks for a swift recovery (things take time)
But I am asking for the willingness to prove every doubt in your head wrong.

Please note; these questions are rhetorical, and I expect no answer.

I just hope the very thought resonates within you enough to believe me.




((Drops Mic))

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Oh, time...

tick tock, tick tock.

I'm not much of a fan of time.

"in due time"

everything seems to happen within "due time."

But I don't like it. It's as if you're being mocked.

You know damn well it won't happen, but you say to yourself,

"All in due time, Ashley."

and for some magically delicious reason, that makes it all better.

Well, fuck you very much for not believing a damn word of it.

Now kids, I am not pessimistic. In fact, I'm more positive now than I have ever been

(fuckin ray of sunshine over here!)

but that whole, dissapointment is a product of expectation thing...that right there, gets to me.

Because expectations lead to hope, hope leads to happines, and well, we all wanna be happy, right?

And not that circumstantial happiness bullshit, that changing your actions and keeping that happiness constant, happiness!

but expect not!

For disappointment will ream it's ugly head right up your ugly ass.

Cynisism never looked good on me.

*throws mic*

Just to open up my hands and find out that they're empty...

I've been secretly falling apart.

Inside just doesn't seem right.

I'm afraid that every feeling I'm feeling is wrong.

I've even tried to stop it. Put people in the way to block it.

Rid myself of it.

Ya know, sometimes the last thing you want comes in first.

and how do you handle that?

Just let it be?

But you know me, I can't simply do that.

I've let time run it's course...I've let everything just happen...

and here i am,

doubting every last thing I've waited for.

 

 

 

 

*mic check...* 

Concentration lacking...

My thoughts are running to and fro around every little detail of everything.


Things that shouldn't be there, things that should, and things that I know will eventually come to play.

If I don't have closure to a situation, no matter how minor, I will dwell on it. I will fester in it. I will contemplate it, I will hate it, I will miss it, then eventually, I will force myself to "forget" it.

Ever notice when you naturally forget something, you just forget it?
And when you remember it you may say something like, "oh wow, i can't believe i forgot that!"
But when you force yourself to forget something, you never really forget it.

It sits there.

It's quite taunting, actually.

But it just won't leave.

Comes back to that whole closure thing that I guess I need in order to let go.

It's strange,

and perfectly annoying.

I just can't concentrate.

Ever see something that you know wasn't intended for you to see?

it plays over and over in my head.

and I just want to forget it... But I can't.
and i'm sure i'll always remember it.
I just have that type of memory....



There's no more of a reason to continue with this...
 
 
 

*drops mic*

a little bit more, a little bit less...

I've missed writing.
Perhaps because I talk too much.

I frequently write about all the things no one wants to hear about, or all the things i feel the need to speak about. I'm no professional, and I care not about what people think of what i write or how i write, but i must be writing publicly for a reason, right?

wrong.

I'm bored.

Sue me.


I have things, single things, that run through my head all the time. Sometimes together, most times not. It really is just one big mess of a thing... My mind roams at every given opportunity, it's a wonder how i end up being such a good listener.

I've been contimplating this whole "single for two years" bullshit.
I've sat back for two years figuring myself out and figuring everyone else out, and i have found that;

a) most women are crazy (shocking, i know)

b) most good men try to deal but ultimately can't.

oh, and

c) no two people are the same!

I've come across a lot of men who secretly blame what their ex's have done to them on every woman they come across, but the very fine difference between us and them? We voice it because we can't just shut up, and men hide it.. shit seeps out slowly as you start to get to know them, and can/will ultimately ruin a potentially good thing.

Let me just say, it is NOT the next ones job to convince you otherwise.
Take the time to figure that shit out on your own.
Don't waste someone's time knowing damn well all you're looking for is a simple simalarity so you can say,

"See, all of you are the same."

Um, no. Your lonely ass needs to take a step back from dating and get a damn grip.

Annnnywho, It has taken my 2 years to figure all that out and actually want to be in an eventual relationship and love again and yada, yada, yada.

It also took me this long to find out what makes me "crazy"
(since apparently all women are some form of crazy),
and I don't feel it makes me crazy seeing as the definition of crazy is, well, crazy..

I have this need for attention (O_o)

Something like an attention whore, only I don't crave it from ANY guy, i crave it from the man i happen to be interested in/dating.

I guess this makes me crazy because when i don't get it i get all huffy.. but huffy isn't crazy.
And really, it only bothers me internally, it never shows on the outside.
And I'm usually over it within seconds of it initially bothering me.

Ahh well, that tid bit of information is pretty much why being single has been my thing.

Everything is easier this way.

One thing though, once you get a taste of that whole "liking/crushing" thing, it makes everything 10x's harder to be so nonchalant about.

The Shower Wept With Me.

Something I feel is optional

Happened

Out of nowhere

I wept.

I sat there warm

wet

Engulfed by steam

and wept

In the shower.

With my knees pulled tightly to my chest

And the water running down my face

And wept.

I don’t know why it happened

But it did.

And why I’m writing about it

Baffles my mind.

But it happened

For 5 minutes

And it made me feel weak.

Real weak.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this

I’m not even sure what to say

But I’m going to go to bed

to wish this all away.

*drops mic*