I Think I'm Just A little bit. . .

Undoubtedly, I’m sure you know I have a lot to say.

About this and that, that and this
The list goes on and on…


I’ve been quite tired though- strung out
Crack does bad things to you
And by crack, I mean addiction and by addiction, I mean life.
Addicted or not- high or low- life is a bitch to be reckoned with.
I’m not feeling like much of anything
Call this a “depressed” blog if you will

But I’m also not feeling like nothing (see what I did there)

I’m tired, did I mention that?

Feeling a bit inadequate as it seems, and I don’t know why.

My inability to forget shit that has happened

And my blatant disregard for my own feelings when I do get them isn’t healthy.

But I won’t let go.

Of life, I just won’t.

And please, don’t read between the lines, you people were never good at that.

Yet, I was never good at writing between them,

hiding within them,

sentences of course,

Lines of words, thoughts, dreams, things..silly things.. these things.

Momentarily, I’m unaware of what’s going on.

“Hands down, I’m too proud for love.”

Subliminally Speaking...

Much more could go "wrong", I suppose.

I stay away from these little types of things
that I know will turn into these big types of things
that neither you, or I, are prepared to deal with.

As indirect as this is,

I'm speaking directly to "you".

Simple enough for me to remain heartless and act as if, I couldn't care less.
but this is all so complicated.
Me. Moi.
I can just be, "oh so damn complicated"

wouldn't you agree?

no, you wouldn't, because you don't know me like that.

I shy away from things, to save myself.

To save myself the aggravation of the disappointment that i'm too afraid to feel again, but will only feel because I allowed myself to expect things.

some things, little things.

This is one big mess of a thing.

I don't know what i'm getting at, and im not sure what i'm admitting to.

But something, some little big thing is there.. here...in me...

yet, I can't put a name to it. a word to it. because one word would'nt explain all of what is encompassed within me.

iFeel...

This day is going to drag,

like the wind across my face.

This morning was cold

my heart

felt cold

the wind didn't help

and I'm glad it did not.

Chills raced down my spine

and before I took my first step outside

I felt a rush of anger

subsided

by a rush of fear

I dont know where this is coming from.

but it isn't nice.

nothing is nice anymore.

except when vacant

and filled with thoughts of he.

Wear It Well.

i feel like slaying you.

 

you flourished.

quite simply,

you flourished.

 

you made it your own

jaded as it was

and kept it close

To rid me of this.

fall. away. from. me

sick as i am

i don't like these things

lovely as they are.

it's yours this time.

you made it that way

claim away all the beautiful things

a lovely as they are

i just don't like these things.

to get this out of my head

you're not one to brag

then again,

you're not one to know the difference between

beauty

and beast.

preconceived notions are unbareably wrong

when it comes to you

because you are magnificent

in the sadest sense of the word

hard to see through

all the beautful things

you cover up with

.

claim it,

it's yours,

you destroyed it that way.

Now everyone can see,

how lovely you never were

to forgive you of this

I need "Solutions..." to abide by.

I wanna know

how far you'll go

with me

for me

inside..wont last

I want to feel

you everyday...

I shake my head in smoke

disbelief

a feverish way of doing things

I need solutions

maybe answers

a cause for hope

I'm at a point

this point

at the best times

when he make me see God

that I know

this wont last

I need solutions.

A way to figure out

hope.

(3/5/10 3:53pm)

Overwhelming Realization

Fact #1:
I love hard.

Fact #2:
Falling out of love hurt more than I ever imagined.

Fact #3:
Im afraid to fall back in love bc I never want to feel what I felt during Fact #2 again.

But It's inevitable that I will, right?

I'm not the "look forward to it" type.

I'm a realist.

I know what It's going to take for me fall completely like that again.

And the way I've cut myself off emotionally from a lot of things,

I just don't see it happening again.

But then again,

who's to say I wont find a man that loves just as hard as I and will actually Love me

...and only me.

So in a way, I can't speak on never being in-love again.

But I don't look forward to it.

I don't pray on it.

I don't even think about it

(as I am now)

and the times I do think about it

I write it away

because there's nothing worse than being so consumed for so long

and then nothing.

That quickly, nothing.

It's the nothing that's overwhelming at this point.

It's the realizartion of that overwhelming nothingness that has me sitting here

contimplating

thinking

about the next man I may fall in-love with

and preparing for the day it all goes away.

*drops mic*

Every time. . .

I'm a talker.

Not a dreamy one.

i consist of many things

soulful things

a variety of things

put together properly

yet sometimes unbound in the worst ways..

I'm vacant with this.

let me begin by saying, oops..

I frequently forget about you.

I write to the "masses" in hopes of some sort of understandment

and then I forget about you.

how lovely, right?

Forgive me.

I haven't written as much as normal lately.

Everything is so pent up.

Sexually, emotionally, physically...

I'm just so damn pent up.

Sexually, I probably shouldn't be but I am.

Emotionally...this isn't the time and place.

and physically, I'm just exhausted.

So from now on, I need to write everyday so this shit doesn't get out of hand like it clearly is.

I have come to the conclusion, that holding on is much harder than it seems.

Letting go is supposed to be the hard part, not holding on.

But I'll sit here and wait...untill I wish it all away.

>drops mic<