There's more to life than heartache.

There’s more to life than heartache.
There’s more to life than the bitter taste past relationships leave in your mouth.
But damn, why is it so hard to let go?

I can sit here and be as strong as I want to be one minute, and then down and out the next. It’s like I live on a bipolar rollercoaster. The weird part is that I have forgiven pretty much everyone in my past; including childhood trauma. But there are these times when I just get so upset and angry at everything that has happened. I don’t know why. It’s seemingly taking the best of me though. I have no desire to do anything lately but take care of my kids and make sure they are happy. Everyone else is null and void; which is a shitty way to live.

But I love being around people. I’m that type of bubbly, sarcastic, silly ass person that lives off of interaction with people. It makes me feel better; inside and out. But what does one do when you no longer have the energy or strength to even get up and hang out? To pick up the phone and invite people over because you’re too afraid that the wrong type of hug from the right person is going to make you break down?

So, I sit and wait it out. Eventually I’ll feel better and everything will be right in my world. But that world just may up empty.

*drops mic*

Anger Driven

I’m experiencing slight bouts of random anger lately.
Actually it’s been like this for awhile now but it is becoming more frequent. Because of my sense of humor no one is taking it seriously. Which I guess is a good thing because I don’t need people down my throat about it. But this really isn’t a joke at all.

The only way I know how to deal with it is by staying away from people and that is starting to turn out to be a disaster. But no one gets that this anger feels like hate and all I want to do is make someone hurt. So if I’m around you, I may say things intentionally to hurt your feelings, and although I would normally never do that, I’m not in my right mind and don’t care. I have actually tried being around people thinking that maybe it would help, but the slightest thing set me off and let me tell you, keeping my mouth shut and trying not to be really mean was one of the hardest things I had to stop from doing.

Some people are taking me being distant, or me not trying to hang out with them as me not caring, or that I’m being rude. That’s not the case. I’m genuinely afraid that if I don’t keep my distance I will hurt you. You will hate me. We will never speak again.

And sadly, I will not care.



*drops mic*

To be or not to be a Marine Biologist, that is the question.

As a child you are told you can be anything you want to be,

“Anything you put your mind to and work hard for Ashley, you can achieve.”

And as a child, those words open up a slew of ideas, hope, dreams, and aspirations. If I remember correctly, I wanted to be a veterinarian since day once. I’ve always been an animal lover to the fullest extent and becoming a veterinarian seemed like the only logical thing at such a young age. Well as time wore on, I began to loathe school and decided that schooling to become a Vet was way too long for my taste. And also, after speaking with Veterinarians I realized that the death and disappointment associated, was something that I could not deal with. I couldn’t deal with the death of a friend’s animal; imagine being unable to save one and having to put it to sleep? No thank you.
So my animal dreams were crushed.

I then took on a very big interest in Criminal Investigation and Criminal Psychology. Throughout high school I intended on going to college to become one of those two professions. I was accepted to Farleigh Dickinson University, SUNY Canton, Castleton State College, and one in PA that I can’t remember. My first choice, FDU, turned out to be about 40 grand a year. My heart was broken when I found out my fucked up step father made too much money for me to get any sort of financial aid. Dream destroyed. Oh, and my moms credit was too fucked up for a loan and he wasn’t willing to co-sign. Great family man he was. So my next choice, SUNY Canton. I hated that school and here’s why; I was shocked with the realization that college kids are pigs. When I visited the school and learned about there new 4yr program in CI I was excited, but when I saw the dorm rooms, all that went away. I must say, deciding not to go because of my phobia of germs (plus the part of me that was still angry at having to settle) was probably the first and biggest mistake of my life.

In this time of aggravations and disappointments, I never lost sight of working with animals. I remember going to Disney World for spring break when I was a freshman in high school, experiencing the ocean like I never had before, and telling myself,
“I belong here.”
But when I told mom about wanting to be a Marine Biologist, she waved it off and pretty much told me there was no need for marine biologists, what kind of career would that be? Dream destroyed.

HVCC was my college choice. Troy, New-fuckin-York. Womp, Womp.
I took a Zoology class, fell in-love hardcore with it and told everyone that Marine Biology is where my heart is, and fuck you if you thought it was dead end career.

Well, I got pregnant. And you can pretty much guess the rest…
Dream on hold, NOT destroyed.

Now, 4 years, 2 kids and a failed 6 year relationship later, here I am. I’ve just been blessed with a wonderful job with plenty of advancement. But not within the realm of my dream. Shit, not even close. This job offers tuition reimbursement, but only for classes that will keep you apart of the organization. A.k.a NO Marine Bio….

I cried the other day over this. Is that what my life has come to? What will I tell me kids when they get older?
“My dream was to become a Marine Biologist, but I failed at life. But you can be what you wanna be…as long as it’s within reason.”
Shit, I don’t even have a support system that even wishes me luck in accomplishing my dream. I’m tearing up now just writing about it.

So I’ve decided not to take advantage of the tuition reimbursement here, and just go to school for what I want. I refuse to go back to school and be miserable. That’s what fucked me up in high school; I didn’t have a passion for anything but English and the sciences, which were the only two things I applied myself in (sadly). I refuse to show my kids that I had to settle because of a few mistakes I made. To me, settling is a better word for giving up, and I am not one to give up. My mom calls it foolish (as well as everyone else in my family), I call it determined. I mean come on; I’ve already been accepted to Coastal Carolina University! I just have to get my finances and shit together and then my children and I are gone.

I want to prove to my kids that no matter the hardships and obstacles you face in life, if you are determined enough and never give up, you can accomplish anything. And I will always support their dreams no matter how silly they may seem to be. Because I know a big part of how much I gave up throughout life was due to the lack of encouragement from those closest to me.

I forgive them, but I will not forgive myself if I give up anymore.

Upstate's Summer Fun Begins!!

Alive @ 5 begins tonight!!
It’s what everyone looks forward to doing on Thursday nights in the summer.
I even find myself wanting to go.
Between Alive @ 5 and great friends, last year was a summer to remember.

For those of you new to this whole upstate NY fiasco let me break it down;
It’s an excuse to get out of work, go to downtown Albany and party. Live music, cheap beer and probably a whole lot of faces you never planned on seeing again. Oh the awkwardness of it all, what more could you ask for?
Drunk people in abundance and such debauchery that even I have been appalled to admit I witnessed.
Ahh, good’ol drunken times in downtown Albany, gotta love it.

The best part is of course, the drunken people and the endless amounts of poorly dressed and scantily clad women. Let me just say, drunken women in short shorts, skirt, (ect) are the worse, yet the best in so many ways. Degradation is given a whole new name at Alive @ 5.
I do not judge people, but I do laugh at them.
Come on I’m human, your ass would laugh too.
Shit, I’m laughing right now just thinking about the endless amounts of ridiculousness I’m going to witness.

But not so excited about the people I’m gonna have to pretend I don’t see until they come and say “Hi Ashley, it’s been so long how are you?”
“Not well enough to converse with you.”
Yeah, that’s the desired reaction but of course, lil’ol me will be nice…
Womp womp.
But there are those select few people who I will pretend as if I don’t remember them, only because they don’t deserve the memory. I’ll know who they are as they pop up.

Smallbany…that’s the real name of this damned place.

But yes everyone, prepare for fun filled debauchery brought to you by Alive @ 5 every Thursday night this summer!

I’m excited.
Although, I have more fun at the block party on Pearl St. after Alive at 5 than I do at the actual event. Go figure.



*FYI, this was written yesterday but my comp froze and wouldn't post it*