To be or not to be a Marine Biologist, that is the question.

As a child you are told you can be anything you want to be,

“Anything you put your mind to and work hard for Ashley, you can achieve.”

And as a child, those words open up a slew of ideas, hope, dreams, and aspirations. If I remember correctly, I wanted to be a veterinarian since day once. I’ve always been an animal lover to the fullest extent and becoming a veterinarian seemed like the only logical thing at such a young age. Well as time wore on, I began to loathe school and decided that schooling to become a Vet was way too long for my taste. And also, after speaking with Veterinarians I realized that the death and disappointment associated, was something that I could not deal with. I couldn’t deal with the death of a friend’s animal; imagine being unable to save one and having to put it to sleep? No thank you.
So my animal dreams were crushed.

I then took on a very big interest in Criminal Investigation and Criminal Psychology. Throughout high school I intended on going to college to become one of those two professions. I was accepted to Farleigh Dickinson University, SUNY Canton, Castleton State College, and one in PA that I can’t remember. My first choice, FDU, turned out to be about 40 grand a year. My heart was broken when I found out my fucked up step father made too much money for me to get any sort of financial aid. Dream destroyed. Oh, and my moms credit was too fucked up for a loan and he wasn’t willing to co-sign. Great family man he was. So my next choice, SUNY Canton. I hated that school and here’s why; I was shocked with the realization that college kids are pigs. When I visited the school and learned about there new 4yr program in CI I was excited, but when I saw the dorm rooms, all that went away. I must say, deciding not to go because of my phobia of germs (plus the part of me that was still angry at having to settle) was probably the first and biggest mistake of my life.

In this time of aggravations and disappointments, I never lost sight of working with animals. I remember going to Disney World for spring break when I was a freshman in high school, experiencing the ocean like I never had before, and telling myself,
“I belong here.”
But when I told mom about wanting to be a Marine Biologist, she waved it off and pretty much told me there was no need for marine biologists, what kind of career would that be? Dream destroyed.

HVCC was my college choice. Troy, New-fuckin-York. Womp, Womp.
I took a Zoology class, fell in-love hardcore with it and told everyone that Marine Biology is where my heart is, and fuck you if you thought it was dead end career.

Well, I got pregnant. And you can pretty much guess the rest…
Dream on hold, NOT destroyed.

Now, 4 years, 2 kids and a failed 6 year relationship later, here I am. I’ve just been blessed with a wonderful job with plenty of advancement. But not within the realm of my dream. Shit, not even close. This job offers tuition reimbursement, but only for classes that will keep you apart of the organization. A.k.a NO Marine Bio….

I cried the other day over this. Is that what my life has come to? What will I tell me kids when they get older?
“My dream was to become a Marine Biologist, but I failed at life. But you can be what you wanna be…as long as it’s within reason.”
Shit, I don’t even have a support system that even wishes me luck in accomplishing my dream. I’m tearing up now just writing about it.

So I’ve decided not to take advantage of the tuition reimbursement here, and just go to school for what I want. I refuse to go back to school and be miserable. That’s what fucked me up in high school; I didn’t have a passion for anything but English and the sciences, which were the only two things I applied myself in (sadly). I refuse to show my kids that I had to settle because of a few mistakes I made. To me, settling is a better word for giving up, and I am not one to give up. My mom calls it foolish (as well as everyone else in my family), I call it determined. I mean come on; I’ve already been accepted to Coastal Carolina University! I just have to get my finances and shit together and then my children and I are gone.

I want to prove to my kids that no matter the hardships and obstacles you face in life, if you are determined enough and never give up, you can accomplish anything. And I will always support their dreams no matter how silly they may seem to be. Because I know a big part of how much I gave up throughout life was due to the lack of encouragement from those closest to me.

I forgive them, but I will not forgive myself if I give up anymore.