a little bit more, a little bit less...

I've missed writing.
Perhaps because I talk too much.

I frequently write about all the things no one wants to hear about, or all the things i feel the need to speak about. I'm no professional, and I care not about what people think of what i write or how i write, but i must be writing publicly for a reason, right?

wrong.

I'm bored.

Sue me.


I have things, single things, that run through my head all the time. Sometimes together, most times not. It really is just one big mess of a thing... My mind roams at every given opportunity, it's a wonder how i end up being such a good listener.

I've been contimplating this whole "single for two years" bullshit.
I've sat back for two years figuring myself out and figuring everyone else out, and i have found that;

a) most women are crazy (shocking, i know)

b) most good men try to deal but ultimately can't.

oh, and

c) no two people are the same!

I've come across a lot of men who secretly blame what their ex's have done to them on every woman they come across, but the very fine difference between us and them? We voice it because we can't just shut up, and men hide it.. shit seeps out slowly as you start to get to know them, and can/will ultimately ruin a potentially good thing.

Let me just say, it is NOT the next ones job to convince you otherwise.
Take the time to figure that shit out on your own.
Don't waste someone's time knowing damn well all you're looking for is a simple simalarity so you can say,

"See, all of you are the same."

Um, no. Your lonely ass needs to take a step back from dating and get a damn grip.

Annnnywho, It has taken my 2 years to figure all that out and actually want to be in an eventual relationship and love again and yada, yada, yada.

It also took me this long to find out what makes me "crazy"
(since apparently all women are some form of crazy),
and I don't feel it makes me crazy seeing as the definition of crazy is, well, crazy..

I have this need for attention (O_o)

Something like an attention whore, only I don't crave it from ANY guy, i crave it from the man i happen to be interested in/dating.

I guess this makes me crazy because when i don't get it i get all huffy.. but huffy isn't crazy.
And really, it only bothers me internally, it never shows on the outside.
And I'm usually over it within seconds of it initially bothering me.

Ahh well, that tid bit of information is pretty much why being single has been my thing.

Everything is easier this way.

One thing though, once you get a taste of that whole "liking/crushing" thing, it makes everything 10x's harder to be so nonchalant about.

The Shower Wept With Me.

Something I feel is optional

Happened

Out of nowhere

I wept.

I sat there warm

wet

Engulfed by steam

and wept

In the shower.

With my knees pulled tightly to my chest

And the water running down my face

And wept.

I don’t know why it happened

But it did.

And why I’m writing about it

Baffles my mind.

But it happened

For 5 minutes

And it made me feel weak.

Real weak.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this

I’m not even sure what to say

But I’m going to go to bed

to wish this all away.

*drops mic*

I Think I'm Just A little bit. . .

Undoubtedly, I’m sure you know I have a lot to say.

About this and that, that and this
The list goes on and on…


I’ve been quite tired though- strung out
Crack does bad things to you
And by crack, I mean addiction and by addiction, I mean life.
Addicted or not- high or low- life is a bitch to be reckoned with.
I’m not feeling like much of anything
Call this a “depressed” blog if you will

But I’m also not feeling like nothing (see what I did there)

I’m tired, did I mention that?

Feeling a bit inadequate as it seems, and I don’t know why.

My inability to forget shit that has happened

And my blatant disregard for my own feelings when I do get them isn’t healthy.

But I won’t let go.

Of life, I just won’t.

And please, don’t read between the lines, you people were never good at that.

Yet, I was never good at writing between them,

hiding within them,

sentences of course,

Lines of words, thoughts, dreams, things..silly things.. these things.

Momentarily, I’m unaware of what’s going on.

“Hands down, I’m too proud for love.”

Subliminally Speaking...

Much more could go "wrong", I suppose.

I stay away from these little types of things
that I know will turn into these big types of things
that neither you, or I, are prepared to deal with.

As indirect as this is,

I'm speaking directly to "you".

Simple enough for me to remain heartless and act as if, I couldn't care less.
but this is all so complicated.
Me. Moi.
I can just be, "oh so damn complicated"

wouldn't you agree?

no, you wouldn't, because you don't know me like that.

I shy away from things, to save myself.

To save myself the aggravation of the disappointment that i'm too afraid to feel again, but will only feel because I allowed myself to expect things.

some things, little things.

This is one big mess of a thing.

I don't know what i'm getting at, and im not sure what i'm admitting to.

But something, some little big thing is there.. here...in me...

yet, I can't put a name to it. a word to it. because one word would'nt explain all of what is encompassed within me.

iFeel...

This day is going to drag,

like the wind across my face.

This morning was cold

my heart

felt cold

the wind didn't help

and I'm glad it did not.

Chills raced down my spine

and before I took my first step outside

I felt a rush of anger

subsided

by a rush of fear

I dont know where this is coming from.

but it isn't nice.

nothing is nice anymore.

except when vacant

and filled with thoughts of he.

Wear It Well.

i feel like slaying you.

 

you flourished.

quite simply,

you flourished.

 

you made it your own

jaded as it was

and kept it close

To rid me of this.

fall. away. from. me

sick as i am

i don't like these things

lovely as they are.

it's yours this time.

you made it that way

claim away all the beautiful things

a lovely as they are

i just don't like these things.

to get this out of my head

you're not one to brag

then again,

you're not one to know the difference between

beauty

and beast.

preconceived notions are unbareably wrong

when it comes to you

because you are magnificent

in the sadest sense of the word

hard to see through

all the beautful things

you cover up with

.

claim it,

it's yours,

you destroyed it that way.

Now everyone can see,

how lovely you never were

to forgive you of this

I need "Solutions..." to abide by.

I wanna know

how far you'll go

with me

for me

inside..wont last

I want to feel

you everyday...

I shake my head in smoke

disbelief

a feverish way of doing things

I need solutions

maybe answers

a cause for hope

I'm at a point

this point

at the best times

when he make me see God

that I know

this wont last

I need solutions.

A way to figure out

hope.

(3/5/10 3:53pm)

Overwhelming Realization

Fact #1:
I love hard.

Fact #2:
Falling out of love hurt more than I ever imagined.

Fact #3:
Im afraid to fall back in love bc I never want to feel what I felt during Fact #2 again.

But It's inevitable that I will, right?

I'm not the "look forward to it" type.

I'm a realist.

I know what It's going to take for me fall completely like that again.

And the way I've cut myself off emotionally from a lot of things,

I just don't see it happening again.

But then again,

who's to say I wont find a man that loves just as hard as I and will actually Love me

...and only me.

So in a way, I can't speak on never being in-love again.

But I don't look forward to it.

I don't pray on it.

I don't even think about it

(as I am now)

and the times I do think about it

I write it away

because there's nothing worse than being so consumed for so long

and then nothing.

That quickly, nothing.

It's the nothing that's overwhelming at this point.

It's the realizartion of that overwhelming nothingness that has me sitting here

contimplating

thinking

about the next man I may fall in-love with

and preparing for the day it all goes away.

*drops mic*

Every time. . .

I'm a talker.

Not a dreamy one.

i consist of many things

soulful things

a variety of things

put together properly

yet sometimes unbound in the worst ways..

I'm vacant with this.

let me begin by saying, oops..

I frequently forget about you.

I write to the "masses" in hopes of some sort of understandment

and then I forget about you.

how lovely, right?

Forgive me.

I haven't written as much as normal lately.

Everything is so pent up.

Sexually, emotionally, physically...

I'm just so damn pent up.

Sexually, I probably shouldn't be but I am.

Emotionally...this isn't the time and place.

and physically, I'm just exhausted.

So from now on, I need to write everyday so this shit doesn't get out of hand like it clearly is.

I have come to the conclusion, that holding on is much harder than it seems.

Letting go is supposed to be the hard part, not holding on.

But I'll sit here and wait...untill I wish it all away.

>drops mic<

In The End...

I'm not what you think i am.

I'm nothing of what you want me to be.

And i'll never be anything you dreamed of.

But I guarantee my heart is something you wouldn't be able to let go of.

but it's not for sale.

I make the mistake of admitting things when I shouldn't.

 It's like, I tell myself I'm going to put myself and my "feelings" first but once I do, 

I don't like the feeling.

 Or the reaction.

So..I'm going to continue to hold it in until someone comes around worthy enough to open up to.

and i wonder..

when i look at you..

((shrugs))

I'm not looking for anything although I do realize my words may describe things a bit differently.

Either way, they're just words.

Words that I ramble on with and happen to put together in a fucked up way.

Regardless...

I find myself telling a story.

 a simple one,

a true one.

 A story I can never seem to finish.

I use to find myself obsessed with the need to know what's going to happen next,

or where something was going.

I now find myself just letting go.

 letting shit happen..

I've acually had my feelings hurt more this way because I'm a little less cautious,

but if I spend my life trying to figure everything out before it happens, I'll miss it.

Life.

So here I am, rambling on.

Not telling a tale, but focusing on a tale that needs to be told.

I'll keep quiet though,

and one day I'll find someone worth opening up to.

till then,

(iWrite)

>drops mic<

Interestingly enough...

I can't sit here an pretend I don't think about you much more than i know i should.

I can't sit here an act as if there isnt something particulary special about your presence that i can't cope with..

it's quite succulent actuallly.

I feel this happening and i think im awfully foolish but at the same time, shit happens. I just have to learn how to roll with the punches.

I feel like i lied to someone a few months back... but i guess it wasnt a lie, just a misguided feeling. If he's reading this, he knows what i speak of.

I'm not foolish, just a bit..misguided at times. Which sometimes brings me on an emotional rollercoaster ride that i frequently feel the need to vomit from just to rid myself of such emotions. throw it all up and walk away.

Ive realized my want for something turned into a misunderstood need and in the end all i could do was question wether or not i can put the want away and truly feel..without wanting it.

((if that makes sense))

So i stopped wanting and emotionally i felt amazing. I don't want to fall in-love, i dont want a boyfriend, i dont want to cuddle, i dont want to look for it.. I'll let it find me.

the worst part of all this and point of this blog;

its only when you want nothing, that someone comes around and make you feel like you need the world.

Feel...

When it comes this natural, it's scary. because i never naturally felt like im blindly walking into someone (without wanting to do so).

I didn't want this to happen, but i feel it happening...

but there's something so addicting about the natural feeling of this.



(drops mic)

Featured Fuckery of The Week

Brought to you by @HoodGeeKn

"Man listen im GanGsta..
Everyone who knows me knows ima G when it comes down to it.. But man listen i got herbed by a group of dirty mice chasing toddlers last nite while shopping for my cheese cake ingredients..

So peep...

(got most of the things i needed, now im looking for a hand mixer)

im in the aisle with the electric hand mixers in it, I see a bunch of lil kids at the end of the aisle posted up hardbody like this was there territory.. So i think in my head where the hell are there parents.. Im like w/e.. I squat down to take a look at the mixers cuz they was on the bottom shelf...And from the corner of my eye I see these lil niccas walkin my way.. Im like this world now-a-day is a no bueno.. So these niccas stopped right on the side of me.. I look from the corner of my eye like

WTF....

I look straight in this nicca eye..

 (remember im squating so we the same height)

so im looking shorty dead in his eyes for like 15 sec..

this nicca never blinked and yes, I punked out and looked at his shirt..

I stood up and he was like

"gimme 5"

.Im like "No!"

He say "gimme 5"

.. Im like "lil nicca no"

Then from the back of the group, they part like the Red Sea..

And theres a lil girl walkin thru the crowd

(the godfather) ..

she gets to the front and say..

"why u dont wanna give him 5?"

"Cuz i dont want to.. wheres yall parents at?"

.. the lil nicca say..

"gimme 5"

.. im like

"Fuk outta here nicca.. u aint getting nothing.. it looks like u got the swine flu.. i aint touchin u.."

the girl is like

"Whats the swine flu?"

"I dont know ask him he got it..."

 So I turn around and walk away.. these niccas start follow me.. I speed up.. these nicca start joggin.. I started to jog.. they started to run... im like OH Shit...Ii started to jog faster up and down aisles.. so I run to the comforter section.. it was this HUGE 5 piece comforter set.. so im like aight i could slow these niccas down... little did i know these niccas was on my ass.. so i turn the corner and threw the comforter down rite behind me... but the kid was so close it KNOCKED THE ShIT OUTTA HIM!!.. this niccca flew mad hard against the aisle... i turned around and started to laugh..

he then let out this HUGE ROAR

"UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
.. im like uh oh.. gotta go.. rite b4 i go to turn around..
the lil girl(the godfather) trips over the comforter..
and then another kid trip over the first kids leg...
OMG.. i was CRYIN!!!.. then i ran downstairs to check out. hopin they didnt find me..

LMAO.. note while i was running i had a gallon of milk, cream cheese, vanila and almond extract, graham crakers and a mixer... and didnt drop anything!!

P.S... they was no older than 7 LMAO"

*passes mic*

Excuse me, but is that Bitchassness I smell?

Well good riddence, you stink.

I'm pretty much sick and tired of people.

I think so many of these people nowadays are experiencing a seriouss fucking malfunction.

Like, deadass, get your shit together.

Stop ass kissing every five seconds just because you want to be apart of something that you feel may or may NOT happen (i place my bets on NOT happening).

REALIZE when people don't like you and when they pretend they actually do.

Please, OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES!

This is not like me.

But people, you're being so damn naieve, it's driving me insane!

I believe Twitter is going to be the downfall of a lot of things and a lot of people.

One day, someone like me is going to have enough of all the BITCHASSNESS on her timeline and flip the fucking light fantastic!

and let me tell you, i have NO problem if no one likes me, cos honestly, ask yourself this

"who the am i?"

the answer,

NO ONE.

Mama does NOT, i repeat, DOES NOT give a flying fuck wether you like her, what she says, how she feels, what she does or how she expresses it.

My high yellow, hot temepered, Lebanese and African American ass COULDN'T care less.

 That's right, COULDN'T for all ya'll bitches that didnt know the proper way to say it.

If you feel I'm not being classy, or intelligent... BLOW ME.

eat shit and bark at the moon u senseless pieces of shit.

*THROWS mic*