Pardon.My.Thoughts.

I don’t know what life has planned out for me. Quite frankly, I am not concerned with that. What I am concerned about is my father showing up at my house, unannounced, and proceeding to tell me about all the terrible things that are happening in the family. You stay out of my life for how many years, but when your family is in need you show up out of nowhere?

Am I being punked?

Clearly, I am not family because I can name a few times when I needed you and where were you? Oh that’s right, chillin’ down south with your wife an her family. How dare I feel you should care-My apologies.

And then to tell me how my trife ass “sister” is still mad at me over something I had no control over – Bitch, you’re not even my real sister. How about you…let’s see…eat shit and bark at the moon? Yeah that’s it, do just that.

The best part is my brother. I knew he had a brain tumor...ive known for about 2yrs. But to come to me and tell me about his numerious seizures throughout the day, how he refuses to take his meds and how he feels his sons death is his fault because he died of a brain tumor, is real fucked up. But let’s not forget about your other kids and how they need their father. But apparently, that’s not what we do now. Selfish.

Thank you dad for once again coming into my life and making me feel like trash. Good job. Kudos.

I feel some type of way about all of this. I know that if my brother died tomorrow, I would not know. I can’t find someone who doesn’t want to be found.

Well then, I guess this is goodbye.

*throws Mic*

Moving Forward.

Away. From. You.

I have a friend who said it best; “You are giving him false hope Ashley when you know there’s nothing left.” He is right.

After a 5yr relationship and a one yr on and off type thing, I finally officially told the father of my children, the man I though I’d spend the rest of my life with, that it is really over. I finally got him to realize it. After numerous conversations of me telling him, “I’m emotionally done with you- I am no more, I have nothing left to give.” He finally gets it. I think it was the finalization in my voice, the placement of my words, and the sadness in my tone that really helped him feel the end.

In a way this is a big disappointment to me because I really did think I would spend my life with him. This is not how I pictured my life at 24. But I am surprisingly happy. I know for a fact that this is the best decision for me and my children. They need me happy and carefree- not stressful, angry, resentful ect…

“Disappointment is a product of expectation; the less you expect of someone, the less you’ll be disappointed.” *Perdo*

And to be honest I haven’t expected anything this past 1 1/2yr, so to contradict myself, I am not disappointed.

My mind, body and soul are now as free as my heart has been for the past year.



*Drops mic*

With You, I Am An Open Book.

I will not yet confess every sin to him, but I’ll definitely confirm them.

It’s not like it use to be. You simply have to watch what you say to too many people nowadays; even friends. Not all of your friends, but most. And judging from experience, it’s usually females you have to worry about. But it seems that you’ll eventually meet (or have met) someone that you instantly feel you can trust your life with.

Instantly; (as a conjunction): as soon as; directly

I can meet someone and know within minutes whether I can trust them or not. How far I can trust them, with what, how long they’ll be trustworthy and under what circumstances that they may not be. It’s what I do. I read people. You may be trustworthy but highly judgmental and those are the people I despise the most. And by judgmental I do not mean, judging me on what I wear or petty things like that, I mean judging my life and the decisions I’ve made/making when you know absolutely nothing about me. Those that do know me think they know me…so judging what you think you know is just as wrong; you know nothing.

But then there’s that one person (perhaps two) that you would pour your heart out to knowing he/she is not judging you, is not going to be bias and will always keep it real with you no matter what. I truly appreciate people like that (I truly appreciate you).

*drops mic*

A Dream.

I had a dream about my father last night.

It’s quiet vivid now.
He drove past me on my way home from work.

I watched as he turned the car around and pulled over.

I was wearing my yellow sundress.
He got out.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Tonight.”

“Wow.”


I remember him walking away.
I received a phone call.

“You should take Monday and Tuesday off, I’ll stay if you can.”

“Am I supposed to drop my life for you?"

“I’m trying here.”

“Too late.”

I woke up rather sad today and I couldn’t exactly put my finger on why I was feeling so terrible.
I’ve realized why now.

I cried in the bathroom at work a few minutes ago.
I hate to admit that.
I hate to admit that his actions (or lack there of) still bother me.


Fuckyousir.

*dropsmic*

PAUSE; BREAK

So school in a few weeks? Not going to happen.

I think I cried for a good two or three hours. How is it that someone can make decent money but still be financially strapped? I feel like pulling my hair out. That’s one step further away of me completing my degree.

FML.

Now I’m not complaining because yeah I know, life style choice but fuck! DEADASS NYS you can’t help at all??? Hey, let’s raise the tuition and sit back and watch how many assholes give up.
This shit makes me despise my stepfather
And my father.
Pricks.

Now I’m trying not to be such an angry person and think things through before I implode and that’s actually been helping but let me tell you, shit hurts; a lot. I need to get a second job. I actually need to stop saying I need to get one and actually get one.

Highlight of Sunday;
“Ash, you’re like a lil good luck charm…You’re smile brightens my day.”

I hated my smile my whole life and now people are saying it attracts them to me, guess it’s not such a bad smile after all =D

Highlight of Saturday;
Orphan with Heather (a must see!!)
Rickie’s BBQ (. . .)
And home =D

I’m still bummed about school but I’m keeping as positive as I possibly can because really, it’s not going to help to be miserable.

*if these pricks at my job would have offered me the OT at $21hr like they did people from other departments then I would make more than HALF my tuition in the three days they need people…SMMFH*

*DROPS THE MF MIC*

My Tee Shirt Is Better Than Yours

I have an obsession with shirts; tee shirts to be exact. Tight ones, loose ones, black ones, blue ones. Tee shirts make me happy. They can say the dumbest shit and I will buy it, wear it, take a picture in it, and post it because really, I’m corny like that. I’m cool like that.

I have a few favorites but nothing makes me happier than my Incredible Hulk tee shirt. That’s right, I said it. THE INCREDIBLE HULK! Because really, he is the man! Perdo’s Transformers tee has nothing on my Hulk tee. Carlos’s TMNT tee has NOTHING on my Hulk tee. Yup, I’m talking shit!

WHAT NOW, SON!?

In all seriousness though, tee shirts these days are getting better and better; especially for us woman. They taper at the sides just right, a good v-neck is a God send, and the nice thin quality for the summer has me in heaven! I’ve also found that more expensive the tee the better it is. Let me rephrase that; It’s common sense that the more you pay for an item the better it USUALLY is but a tee shirt? There’s no reason why you should have to pay more than $10 for one… but I have, and I will continue to; especially when it feels so damn good.

102 Truths about moi =)

I’ve decided that today is going to be the day that I write down 100 Truths about myself… But let’s make it a little interesting shall we? How about 102 Truths? I know, so very daring right? The number isn’t completely random. Everyone has done 100 and I hate odd numbers so, 102 is the next logical number =)

1.I curse like a fuckin sailor! It’s terrible really. I do well in public but with friends or at home it’s a wrap on that.

2. I hate confrontation. Unless I’m being disrespected, then I’m going to simply make you feel like trash. But in an upscale sort of way.

3. I like to think I’m religious. I just view God a lot differently than most.

4. I don’t attend church and I feel I need to.

5. I stop myself from doing lots of things because I strongly believe in karma.

6. My favorite color is green but I love to wear grey.

7. If I had a nice body, I’d pose nude for Art.

8. I feel I need braces. I hate my teeth. (but they’re nice an white though!)

9. If music was a man, I’d be his whore.

10.I try very hard not to judge someone before I get to know them.

11. I will laugh at a random person if my friends are making jokes but I secretly feel really bad about it.

12. I hate being stared at. Unless I’m talking to you. I feel I’m being judged..

13. I love to laugh. If you can make me laugh out loud, then you are truly comical.

14. I’m a horror movie freak. They make me happy. But when I watch them alone at least ONE light has to be on in the house. Don’t judge me!

15. I use to think my dolls would come to life like Chucky and/or puppet master and kill me, so I treated my dolls real well.

16. Puppet master is the reason why I hate puppets. They’re fuckin creepy an I fuckin hate them.

17. Clowns on TV I can deal with. Clowns in person I cannot. Please, stay the fuck away from me.

18. Every time I see a Siberian Husky in a pet store I get real emotional. I love those dogs!


19. I use to run away from my sitter’s house at night and go home, sleep in front of my apartment door (inside) with Lady (my husky) on the other side until my father got home from work.

20. I’m tearing up right now over #19.

21. I love photography. I have a 200mm camera that I don’t use as often as I use to. It’s actually the last thing my father ever gave to me (maybe that’s why I don’t).

22. I love the sun. I could stay in it for hours an be content as ever. It makes me happy.

23. I do love it when it is pitch black outside on a clear night an you can see unlimited amounts of star clusters. My Telescope is truly missed.

24. I’ve been playing the violin for 16yrs.

25. I came so close to marriage that I was actually outside of the courthouse.

26. I horde hate for one person. And I hate hating her but I fuckin HATE her with a passion.

27. I keep my enemies the closest.

28. I have a friend that I feel I can tell anything to without being judged at all. Completely.

29. I want to move to Boston b/c it’s wonderful and my girl Candy lives there.

30. In high school, my friends an I called ourselves FUA (Fuck Ups Anonymous) Our names were as follows; AC (me), PM (Pimp Maj), QC (Quota Candy), AN (Arian Nation), DD (Dumb Dyke), QB (Queen B [not Queer Boy, Donell!]) and MF ...I can't remember Olivia's or Matt's (aka Thomas).

31. I’ve always wanted to be a ballroom dancer.

32. I hate feet. If you don’t have nice feet, I can’t talk to you.

33. People seem to think I’m a bitch because I’m quiet. Just because I’m not talking to you doesn’t mean I’m a bitch, it just means I don’t want to talk. Period. Just because I don’t laugh at your jokes doesn’t mean I’m a bitch, it means you’re not funny. Period.

34. I hate when people can’t spell. They have spell checkers and dictionaries. It’s 2009 people, get with it.

35. It bothers me when people use phrases the wrong way; “I could care less” excuse me but it’s “I COULDN’T care less.” This is a common misconception.

36. I usually wish I had a shot gun when people press the elevator button 10 fuckin times! It’s not going to get their any quicker people! Press it once. If I could shoot them in the finger I would.

37. I love making rubber band balls.

38. I really enjoy shopping for stationary. I’m very picky about my pens, I love highlighters, post-its are so cute now, and even the damn tacks are cute!

39. I think the reason there are so many idiots in the world is because college is too expensive! I just paid $459 for ONE class… smh

40. I don’t think having a degree makes you any better than the next person. Because I bet my skill and wit will get me hired quicker than your degree.

41. When I was a teenager I use to watch Real Sex on HBO all the time. It was very interesting, what can I say.

42. When I lost my virginity, I didn’t care. I wanted to know what the big deal was, it was bad. I stayed away from sex for a year.

43. I think sharks are the most misunderstood marine animals. You don’t fuck with them and they won’t fuck with you. Period.

44. I get mad when people say I’m Spanish and argue with me about it. “Why would you deny your heritage?” DEADASS though, I’m going to LIE about being Spanish and say I’m Lebanese?? My people are fucking terrorists you twit! Why would I want to make that shit up???

45. I can be very argumentative. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. Choose wisely.

46. I prefer if a person tells me they don’t like me straight up. Don’t smile in my face then talk behind my back, because I will find out and I will approach you.

47. Messes make me nervous. I feel bad for my kids because I can’t stand it when their toys are all over.

48. Dishes piss me off. I hate doing them.

49. I really do love to cook. I just wish I had more time to experiment.

50. To me, being in-love is the best feeling in the world and falling out of love is the worst.

51. I’m starting to love my hair curly. If you can’t beat’em, join’em.

52. To this day I still do not have a tattoo! *gasp* I know!

53. I can’t have casual sex with someone I don’t know or like. Sex is no longer as special to me as it once was, but I still can’t have sex with just anyone.

54. I know I think about sex more than the average man.

55. I check out guys with a fatty as much as they check out woman. Degrade us, we’ll degrade you.

56. I think male strippers are disgusting. Does not turn me on at all.

57. On the other hand, I don’t mind watching women strip (as long as they’re attractive).

58. I don’t think I’ll ever have anal sex…something just seems wrong about that.

59. I’m a very easy person to talk to and I will take whatever you tell me to the grave. I see no reason in telling anyone’s business, even if it would benefit me.

60. Truthfully I can’t wait to be married. But the next time it gets to that point I won’t be so fuckin blind to what’s going on around me.

61. I’ve been writing poetry since the 7th grade but I only have a handful that I actually like. I’m very hard on myself.

62. This is the best year of my adult life. Worst year for my love life.

63. I had completely given up on men until I came across him, and now I’m crushing like a little schoolgirl.

64. As much as I hate what twitter/facebook/texts are doing to communication and the English language, I am very impressed with technology these days.

65. I can shoot a shotgun! It’s such a great feeling.

66. I have shot a few woodchucks in my day and it was great.

67. I do not have my pistol permit yet. It is pending though. They investigate you like you’re a fuckin terrorist (hahaha, fam was born in Lebanon so I can see the hold up)

68. I can speak a little French. I use to be quite good at it but I didn’t keep up with it. Shame on me because I loved it.

69. I sleep with 8 pillows and one is usually between my legs.

70. I refuse to give away the stuffed animals I had when I was a kid.

71. My nickname Animal Cracker came from my best guy friend, Joe. He told me in Earth Science that I looked like a half baked animal cracker… the nickname stuck. He’s my Vanilla Wafer.

72. I believe in spirits.

73. I hate going to a doc office because the nurse there is hott an I ALWAYS get him, no matter what!

74. I am a hardcore football fan. I get upset and everything.

75. In high school I crushed on MD for a whole year.

76. My friends and I use to drive around and steal hazard cones and street signs.

77. FUA celebrated every holiday. Kwanzaa was our favorite.

78. I admire Donell the most from high school. (love you boo)

79. Everlong by the Foo Fighters is one of my top fav songs of all time.

80. When I was in high school I wanted to be a Navy Seal. They’re fucking amazing. But they don’t allow women to become one. Pricks.

81. It would take a really special man to make me want to have kids again.

82. I suffer from depression and I’m very scared I will become (or just might be) bipolar like my mom, aunts, sister, and grandmother. I pray everyday that it passes me by.

83. I do not speak to my fathers side of the family. I love them but I don’t think they give a shit about me.

84. I lost my nephew when I was 14, he was only 13 (RIP)

85. My brother has a tumor. His son died from a brain tumor. He refuses to get treated because he feels he’s the reason why his son died. I hate that. Sadly, I do not know whether he is still alive because of #83.

86. I absolutely love Stephen King and Edgar Allen Poe!

87. I don’t eat candy as much as I’d like. I don’t drink soda too often either.

88. I love working out. Helps to clear my mind, which in turn makes me feel better.

89. I’ve always wanted to race cars. When I had my 5spd Honda Civic V-Tech I raced that shit aaaaaaaalll the time. The thrill excited me.

90. I secretly love adrenaline rushes (I don’t live for them bc they give me migraines, go figure)

91. I’m looking into what it becomes to become a citizen of Canada. I need out of the USA. We’re slowly digging ourselves into a fuckin whole.

92. When I go to the dentist, I always ask for a sticker (don’t judge me).

93. When my best friend and I stopped being friends in high school, I cried for months.

94. People use to say I was the teachers pet because I actually did the work and participated, therefore the teachers liked me.

95. In 8th grade I did a 5pg report on Hitler, only 2 pages was required, because none of the honor students (I was not honors) didn’t do as much I. I was told I plagiarized (even tho she had sites), and to redo it an make it 1 to 2 pages. I told her no. She said she wouldn’t recommend me for honors English in high school. I simply said “fuck you for doubting I’m as good as the honor students” and walked away. I spent 4yrs in the shittiest English classes EVER. Hey Mrs. Palmer, FUCK YOU!

96. When it comes to music, I’m all about the lyrics. Yeah, a good beat is nice, but your words mean more to me than your sound ever will.

97. I thank Pedro everyday for making me realize that the memory associated with music is there for a reason, don’t hate it embrace it.

98. When I get angry, I cry. Because it literally hurts to feel so hateful.

99. I’m truly a big kid at heart.

100. I use to love my father to death. I wish he felt the same. If he ever did, I would still be in his life.

101. I’m at CSEA eating Cheetos and drinking lemonade. Yes, the fingers on my left hand are a light orangish color.

102. I cried three times while writing this.