Your disease is killing me...

I'm feelin some type of way...

He's constantly around because we have kids together.
I came clean with him about a month ago.
I simply stated,

"I feel I'm emotionally done with this relationship."
Did he think i was joking?

He's done this for 6yrs.
I'll tell him how i feel about something, what's bothering me, what I want to do, what i dont want to do, ect.. and it's like in one ear and out the other. As if everything I'm sayin means nothing.
And if i bring it up and tell him he thinks im a fuckin joke, he gets mad. Yet continues to do the same shit. Continues to act like i didnt say a fuckin word to him.

"You can't force me to fall back in-love with you."
*blank stare*

What the fuck?
I think it's like, now that he knows im serious about how i feel and there's nothing left, he wants me now. He wants the family back, he's "in-love" with me...Men always want what they can't fuckin have (or what they are losing).

Yet, he wont sacfice his "friendship" with that cunt he cheated on me with ( I have the right to call her that bc she's disrespectful bitch)
"oh, we have the dog together"
Nigga, FUCK that dog! what the fuck is wrong with you??????
and he refuses to go to therapy.
This kid needs therapy. He has too much pent up anger from his childhood and he needs to work on bettering himself before i even give this relationship ANOTHER chance.
Shit, I need to start back up with it as well.
Im worried about bettering myself for my kids and our future. How am i supposed to fix this broken relationship when I'm just as broken?
I need time to heal and fogive him for everything.

That's my problem. I don't have the strength to forgive him right now...
I really don't.
It took me about 5yrs to forgive him for what had done. And i told him that. And we were happy [so i thought] and then i find out about the shit he had currently been doing. And it's like, I just forgave you, now i have to fogive you all over again?
And I can't.
I've tired, but i just can't right now.

Everytime he's around i get really angry inside. All i want to do is YELL and SCREAM and HURT him.
Break his heart.
I want him to hurt like I hurt.

[smh]

And I've told him that. And he just doesn't seem to get it.
He thinks that coming around and having amazing sex with me is going to change something. Like it's going to make me forgive and forget.
But the sex is just sex now.
It's not even the same anymore.
I no longer feel that emotional attachment to him like I use to.
And that hurts.
A lot.
Falling out of love when you were completly consumed in it for so long, hurts.
A lot.

The worst part is that this is killing me more than it is him...

[I am no more, I have nothing left to give.]